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(94 votes) Published: Jan 11, 2005 2:02 a.m. In 3 Favorites Lists Viewed 623 times
Pencils, pens, crayons. I’d like to begin by telling you about pencils. Maybe even a little joke to break the ice. Yes, that will do...
What did the pencil say to the other pencil?
Nothing. Pencils can’t talk.
Alright, this story begins in the middle of rainforest where we find Ronald the pencil anxiously drawing on a sheet of rather sun bleached paper. His drawing is of a native called Ronaldo. Ronald wanted to draw Ronaldo because they had similar names, it made him giggle. Ronaldo is set in a pose as if chasing that tasty bird and needing to be extra quiet until the bird looks away and he can pounce on that bitch and jab a spear through its brightly feathered little torso.
Ronald has drawn ever since he gave up his job writing. He absolutely hated having his ass chewed by an obese child with fair red hair and a problem breathing through his nose. He stabbed the child in the eye several times and returned to the rainforest where his wood originated from. It brought back marvelous memories of when the natives would hug him and stroke him up and down, up and down with their entire body.
This was no ordinary drawing. This drawing was the best drawing in the entire world! Little did Ronaldo the native know, that Ronaldo the pencil was exaggerating his features as to create a picture of the native which would later be classed as politically incorrect.
As the drawing became more and more detailed, little Ronald saw what was to become of all this hard work and effort. It was truly amazing. Ronald didn’t know he had this kind of talent. His third grade art teacher told him he was wasting her time by drawing a crazy lady with shabby clothes and an awkward smile. But now, all these years later, he could see himself, as he looked down into a puddle the native had recently created, for what he truly was; a beautiful elegant swan. Metaphorically speaking of course.
Ronald was finally ready to show Ronaldo the portrait he had worked so relentlessly on. Ronaldo the native took a deep breath and slowly opened his eyes to a fascinating page filled with wondrous and curious lines which seemed all at once to jump off the page and stab you right through the brain then punch you in the guts and leave you for dead. Then a native friend of Ronaldo arrived. This native named Ahkmellohalabalafel carried a tiny hair clip in his hand. He called it his treasure from the white spirits.
They looked at the picture all night long and had the most fun they had ever had. They lit a bonfire which scared Ronald ever so much. He was scared of falling in the fire and burning to death. For it was told that a pencil burning to death is the most horrid, painful, excruciating, longest most dreadful way for a pencil to die. The other merely laughed at him and said they would be extra careful not to let him fall.
Ronaldo and his friend Ahkmellohalabalafel had lied to Ronald. They planned to let him fall in the fire and to make it look like an accident. Ronald heard them whispering the plan to one another earlier this evening. They were going to sell his masterpiece drawing for millions and spend none of the money on poor Ronalds funeral. This was just too mean, thought Ronald. So he decided on a plan to get them back for lying to him.
After they had finished dancing and throwing spears and cuddling trees they went to sit down. Ronald got his pencil cousin Jonathan to stand up on Ahkmellohalabalafel’s seat while Ronald stood on Ronaldo’s seat. Ronaldo and Ahkmellohalabalafel were exhausted from tree cuddling so they hadn’t noticed Ronald and Jonathan standing on their chairs. As they sat down each of the pencil cousins penetrated each of the native friends’ vaginas. Metaphorically speaking of course. The pencils actually penetrated the natives’ ass holes because as you know natives don’t have vaginas, they have two ass holes, one for defecating and one for urinating.
Needless to say, the natives had quite the surprise. They jiggled around up and down all over the pencils. They weren’t enjoying themselves at all. They sat there jumping up and down and wriggling around for hours because they couldn’t get off. Then finally came the moment when they got each other off. They had to work together but they both got off at the same time with an almighty yelp and Ronaldo had quite a violent leg spasm.
They fell in a pile on top of one another on the ground gasping for air then a big sigh of relief. The pencil cousins weren’t so happy about what they had done now and so they decided to apologise to the natives. The natives forgave them and offered instead of stealing Ronald’s picture they would take 98% of all his earnings for the rest of his career. Ronald happily accepted this fine offer and went on drawing.
Three days had passed and Ronald had been sharpened for the last time. His career was finally over. He’d drawn two pictures. Extremely beautiful pictures of the sky and the puddle Ronaldo had made which inspired Ronald to keep drawing when ever he looked into it and saw his reflection. As they sharpened Ronald into nothing his last words were "My cousin is an artist too...*Cough cough cough...*"
The End. Hope you liked it. I’d like to invite everyone to refreshments at my place. Part two and pictures coming shortly.
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