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Apparently more detail is good if well written, so I am expanding on the egg I submitted yesterday.
The options for revenge open to a sane and nonviolent individual, such as myself, are rather limited. I have horrendous managers at work and a mix of either worthless, obnoxious, shallow, brown-nosing, or arrogant coworkers. How to get back at them without inflicting bodily harm or landing myself in the clink was a conundrum. Then I was introduced to Liquid Ass by a buddy/coworker of mine.
Liquid Ass comes in a little bottle that is easily concealed in your hand. When the lid is unscrewed and a small amount is sprayed, the stench is unbelievable—and to some, unendurable. This was just what my managers and coworkers needed (admittedly, with some regret, there was some collateral damage to the coworkers whom I like). Operation Liquid Ass was now in effect.
My buddy and I couldn’t wait until the right opportunity to get started. The first foray into Operation Liquid Ass was relatively minor when compared to subsequent applications, but since it was the first, I will elaborate. I took the little bottle, and, when no one was around, sprayed down the row of individual cubicles that house the managers of our department, which is called manager row. It didn’t take long for comments to start filtering down to our ears. Things like, “What the hell is that smell”, and “Hey, it smells better in the bathroom that it does out here”, and “It smells like something crawled up in somebody’s ass and died”. It was hard to suppress our laughter, which had to be strictly controlled, so my buddy and I made a couple of trips outside to let our laughter roll. We didn’t stay out there long because we didn’t want to miss any of the fun. In order to add to the confusion as to the source of the smell in the department, we always made sure to hit the area around the microwaves and dropped hints that it smelled like Thai or Indian food. Soon, most employees were convinced that was the source of the odor.
Everybody had a theory as to the origin of this abominable odor, but the beauty of Liquid Ass is that it is virtually untraceable. It does eventually wear off, usually in a couple of hours barring another application; when sprayed it leaves no mark; and the smell does not quite smell like anything you have ever smelled before, but ass-crack combined with dead animal is probably the best de5cription. Hence, its absolute untraceability thereby providing my buddy and me with complete anonymity and a lot of “job satisfaction”. And, it only takes a little bit of the stuff to produce an enormous odor - half an ounce or less for a day’s work.
We decided that Liquid Ass should make its presence felt every two to three weeks and preferably when it rained, just to add another red herring to the mix. The strategy that seemed to work best was for me to apply during lunchtime when most of the department was gone. I would bide my time until the coast was clear, and then I’d start spraying. Without fail, when people arrived back from lunch they’d screw up their faces and complain about the smell. And, also without fail, it would never be enough for my buddy. The department would already reek, but his goal was to see someone dry heave. He’d get the bottle back out and subtly spray some more.
After my buddy got done with his pumping up of the volume one day, a day in which manager row was creamed with the stuff by both of us, we noticed that one manager had a big shop fan going. The fan was basically directed toward a bitchy coworker who is worshipped by most of the guys there because of her big boobs, and there she sat, right at the epicenter, with the fan blowing back her dyed blonde hair with Liquid Ass-saturated air.
The Facilities Department has been in a couple times to assess the recurring foul fumes but have been unsuccessful in locating a source. After my buddy hit the copy room one day, an electrician was called in to see if any wires were shorting out and burning. Another was in checking the gas pipes. Later, after an application of Liquid Ass in my manager’s office, a couple of facilities guys armed with cordless drills had the floor panels up and their heads stuck beneath them sniffing away. Turns out my manager thought there was dead animal under there.
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