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(53 votes) Published: Nov 08, 2005 2:43 a.m. In 1 Favorites Lists Viewed 302 times
Okay, seems you’re all ready to be stunned - AGAIN - So I’ll get on with the story. (What a marvelous introduction.)
Sneezes. They’re everywhere. If you’ve never experienced a sneeze I suggest you contact your local dealer. Studies have shown there are no negative health effects, and that it is actually beneficial for your health, when expelled in moderation.
As I sat in that squeaky bright yellow chair, at that dirty and scratched desk, from too much upside down sliding (quite possibly caused by me and my classmates a fraction of a decade ago), I over-think and go blank. The exam. Stop. Breath. Look and read. Yes, negative six degrees, that’s the one!
"UH-SNEH! UH-SNEH!" What a distraction. And right behind me, no less! I should punch her in the scrotum, I’ve never doubted the fact she is a proud owner. A waft of Turkish Delight wafted ever-so-slightly through my nostrils.
Awesome, I thought, Turkish Delight Sneezes!
Negative six degrees, answer (B).
Turkish Delight Sneezes? Hahaha! I giggled under my breath, lost concentration and coloured the wrong oval. That bastard (D) from Delight screwed me up. I’m going to fail now, all because of her stupid Turkish Delight initiating sneezes.
Hang on, it’s gone. Where did it go? I was enjoying that you bitch, give it back.
Someone else sneezed - On the other side of the room. I waited. I anticipated the gentle waft, waited extra for the extra distance. Nothing. Where the fuck is my...Oh, it was a black kid. Never mind.
With one long hour left I decided to take a break. I sighed and slumped comfortably down into my bright yellow chair and stretched.
As I did so, the chair squeaked in unison with the euphoric sensation of a good old fashioned stretch. It put me off slightly, but not enough to distract me from the bliss of the stretch.
When I came to there was Turkish Delight in the air.
Where was it?!? No one sneezed. How long was I out? It wasn’t really that intense of a stretch, really. Calf muscles, forearms, back. My hearing only went for a second, a sneeze would overpower that weak silent trance anyway.
Wait...I sniffed. Leant forward. "Hhmmmmmm..." I moaned under my breath. Then realised something. Was it true? I sniffed some more, flapped my sweat-dampened shirt, sniffed.
IT WAS! The smell was my deoderant. It wasn’t that stupid swimming scrotum wielding sexy beast behind me who was sneezing Turkish Delight, nor was it the black kid.
I sucked it all in, long deep silent sighs. That smell would serve as a memory of this stage of my life. Then I hyperventilated.
I accidentally made eye contact with the black kid, and thought to myself, I hope he doesn’t think I want to fight him. If he did, I’d do what I did last time.
Call him black. For some reason, that fact rather insults black kids. I don’t quite understand how it works, and I came across it by accident, but it works. Serves him right for not sneezing Turkish Delight my way. And anyway, I don’t find it offensive whatsoever. That’s like calling me a person. What I would find offensive is not having Turkish Delight sneezed at me. So screw it. I’ll call him black.
So, cross out (D) and fill in (B). Done. I’ll just glimpse over the question again...Shit. It’s negative four. Cross out (B) and fill in (A). There we go.
Twenty minutes to go...
Ahh, good memories. We used to trick our teacher by putting the clocks behind and saying the bell must be wrong. Then when we were late for our busses the teacher would get in trouble for keeping us behind. He got fired in our last term of grade six.
"You have one minute left students," she announced, up there on her little step-up box. Thinking she’s a king. I bet she’s got a scrotum, the scrotum only a king of the children could possess. Wouldn’t mind kicking her scrotum in, it’s a long fall from her second step up. She’d surely assume the fetal position before making cold hard contact with the floor boards, microphone stand, desk full of documents and other relatively amusing items for a freshly scrotum-booted old woman in the fetal position to stumble over.
I think that’s all for now. I should visit my black dentist again. My teeth need fixing. Honestly, root canal’s are over rated. A few grand for a drill bit and a black guy? I can do that. I’ll just wink at the non-Turkish Delight sneeze output author black kid. Simple. I’m sure he’d put something similar to a drill bit in my mouth and charge a few grand.
Ahh, good memories. We used to trick our teacher by putting the clocks behind and saying the bell must be wrong. Then when we were late for our busses the teacher would get in trouble for keeping us behind. He got fired in our last term of grade six.
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