Count Your Blessings Goddamnit! (story)
'If you aren’t thankful this Thanksgiving God will give you A.I.D.S.!' 
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(60 votes)
Published: Nov 23, 2005 9:51 p.m.
Viewed 314 times |
Since today was the last day of school before Thanksgiving, our school put together a Thanksgiving Assembly! And as you all know, these assemblies are about as much fun as having a porcupine with parkinson’s shoved up your ass! So me and my friends were excited! So excited, in fact, that one of my friends went away to New Mexico(Mexico with enforced laws=New Mexico=lame) Another friend passed out, another one peed, and the other one went up to the top seats with me!
In this Thanksgiving extravagansa, all grades(k-12) are crammed into our gymnasium, and the fun begins! It fired up with some kindergarteners getting thrown on stage and blabbering on about how they are grateful for insanely diverse things like: God, family, spaghetios, God, family, our school, God, family, our school, poodles, God, family, and our school.
So naturally me and my friend cracked jokes the whole time, saying things like (little kids voice)"I am thankful for cocaine, black tar herion, and my ever fading innocence and virginity!". Well after a spell, the teacher two rows below us got angry at our remarks, and ordered my friend to sit next to him. I voiced my approval by yelling,"O YEAH! IT’S ABOUT TIME! THAT FOOL WAS SUCH A DISTRACTION! MAN!".
So this holiday shin-dig continued to roll out intense performances by the kindergarteners and 6th grade band that every one in the gym almost hazardly close to having a siezure. And they continued to awe and amaze us by showing us our wonderfull contributions to the fight against poverty.
A table filled with a staggering load of: 8 shoe boxes full of crap, 20 cans of creamed corn, 10 cans of soup, and some other cans that are no use to the homeless since they sure as hell don’t have a can opener. So the homeless in our town are blessed with cans that they will have to gnaw through and eat raw(since they also lack stoves). Boy do I feel better about myself! I helped the poor! Little Johny will love the creamed corn, but he will probably have to wait a little while to eat it, since it will take two weeks for his teeth to heal from all the metal seperating him from his prized bounty of cream corn!
Then when I thought this couldn’t get anymore exciting, they had a REFORMED PASTOR speak to us! O yay! Reformed church pastors are the worst of the worst. They are the type of people that end up roaming the streets of San Francisco, ranting about the end of days and exposing themselves to taxicab drivers. They are the fire and brimstone Christians, who hate anything that isn’t baptised and will probably drive themselves off the wall. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against Christians, I just know that the reformed church people are pricks.
So anyway, this pastor starts berating the kindergarteners for not counting their blessings. "I can count 90 things I am thankful for. And I will now!" So he proceeded to force the kids to count how many blessings he was saying. And then yelled at them to count better. At one point he said,"And did you know that we live in a country were we can get both cold, hot, and lukewarm water in the same place?" To which I replied by yelling,"NO WAY!! WHY HASN"T ANYONE TOLD ME THAT BEFORE??" and apparrently everyone heard me yell that because they all turned around and started laughing their asses off.
From that point on the crazy bastard kept on working himself up, I kept on making fun of him. And I believe everyone left with a feeling of Thanksgiving Spirit! So remember: COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS GODDAMNIT!! |
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 | Nov 23, 2005 10:08 pm -
^^Oops "corn"! o well.. chronic is more popular in Cali anyway! |
| Nov 23, 2005 10:11 pm -
Wait a second... I did type corn. You are turning me against myself! AUGHH! NOW I HAVE TO SMASH MY HEAD AGAINST THE KEYBOARD TO MAKE THE REBELLIOUS SIDE OF ME GO AWAY! |
| Nov 23, 2005 10:16 pm -
No i dont do aim cause I don’t like computers that much (except to got to rotteneggs and canabis culture and pirate music) |
 | Nov 24, 2005 7:33 am -
5 lmao. |
 | Nov 24, 2005 7:52 am -
Quote: And as you all know, these assemblies are about as much fun as having a porcupine with parkinson’s shoved up your ass!
best line ever laughing ma ass off 5***** |
 | Nov 24, 2005 5:34 pm - good
The story lacked direction but had some funny images.
4* |
 | Nov 24, 2005 6:09 pm -
Quote: 20 cans of creamed corn, 10 cans of soup, and some other cans that are no use to the homeless since they sure as hell don’t have a can opener. So the homeless in our town are blessed with cans that they will have to gnaw through and eat raw(since they also lack stoves).
The canned food gos to the soup kitchen, witch feeds homeless for free, you Idiot! They don’t hand cans out to people on the road with signes that read "Need money for drugs." what the hell man, dont rant unless you know what the hell you’r talking about! Bastard! |
 | Nov 24, 2005 6:27 pm -
I almost shat myself whilst reading that part about creamed corn. I fucking love you man. I fucking love you. I wish i knew you in person cause my friends do shit like this all the time. Keep the stories coming
5*
I permit you to pat yourself on the back. Hell, pat yourself twice. No, don’t thank me; you earned it. |
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