Stealing Shit From Wal-Mart!
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(151 votes)
Published: Jan 23, 2006 12:37 p.m.
In 8 Favorites Lists
Viewed 1289 times |
It was Tuesday, September 21st, 2005. I hadn’t slept in three days thanks to a drink concoction I had mixed up of Mr. Pibb, aspirin with caffeine, and just the right amount of Brut Cologne. (but that’s another story). Early into Wednesday morning, I had hatched the most genius plan of all time. I was going to go to Wal-Mart and steal some shit!
I threw on my camouflage jeans and t-shirt and laced up my steel toed Air Jordans. (and boy were they hard to custom make!) At that point, I had to decide which vehicle to take! I looked over my Ferraris, my Porsches, my Lamborghinis, my Bentleys and my AMC Pacers. I thought about picking up my Hummer H3 Limo with the Sprewells from the garage and going to meet up with makeup artist I met at Woodstock ’96 and going in disguise as Condoleeza Rice. However, I just remembered the perfect vehicle! I hopped on my 1963 Schwinn Sting-Ray bike and pedaled my ass to Wally World!
When I got there, I made sure noone was paying attention and activated the cloaking device I had installed on it. I headed inside where I was immediately met by a kind old greeter. She said hello, and I had to shake my head. She questioned what was wrong with me and I said she knew too much. I then snapped her neck and ssshed her as her soul escaped. I drug her over and buried her behind some carts. I stopped to think maybe she’d get to be reincarnated as a butterfly or dolphin in her next life. That would sure be nice.
It was at that point I realized these carts would give me an extra ounce of normality. I’d truly blend into the rest of the everyday customers. (Well, I guess technically everynight... wtf, is that a word?) I pushed the cart around the store, loading it with various everyday (BUT IT WAS NIGHT... WTF? WEIRD.) low priced fishing bait, Clay Aiken CDs (he’s hip, right?), Hot Wheels, and in a nice touch, some "rolled back" Michael Jordan cologne.
It was that point, I realized I was nearby my first target. I approached the aisle casually, glancing at products (and even picking a few up and looking at labels, LOL I’m a master!) before reaching the aisle. I admired the beautiful fish until the clerk made her way over. She greeted me with a hello, and I would’ve killed her there had it not jeopardized my mission. I said "hello" back and questioned about what fish were good. (I know there are some very evil fish like ELECTRIC eels and TIGER sharks and RAINBOW trout (look at their names!)
She explained that goldfish were good for beginners. Using some knowledge I had picked up on the "street" I asked her what about those fish that ate goldfish? She showed me them and I told her I’d take two, but to make sure they were both female as I didn’t want any hanky panky (and they wouldn’t turn lesbian because they both smell like fish, LOLMAOMG!)
With the fish in bag in hand and the smiling clerk, I calmly walked away. I say calmly because my instinct was to run her over with the cart and bolt. However, I needed to remain cool like Brad Pitt and George Clooney were in that movie with Matt Dillon and Julia Roberts. Um... Glitter, I think.
Anyway, I made my way back to the craft section, because let’s face it... who shops for crafts at 1:18 AM in the morning? Well, it appeared that an elderly lady did, so I had to kill her using a single needle. (It was a trick I learned in Bay of Pigs II... shortly after Elian returned, but don’t expect to hear much about it, it’s classified.) She looked a lot like the greeter’s sister. I had hoped she was, because she would’ve been really sad when she finally found out her sister was dead.
Anyway, I dumped the fish and water into a glass vase. He looked sad, so I gave him a pack of crushed up croutons I had brought along. That should’ve been enough food for him for days. Plus, they were garlic flavored! I pocketed the empty bag with a sneer on my face and propped the elderly next to the cart. That way, she looked like she was still shopping!
I headed to the front of the store, hoping noone who saw me realized I didn’t have a cart full of stuff anymore! Luckily, they were too busy checking out $5.50 DVDs, clearance sweatshirts and other junk. I ducked through an empty checkout aisle. I was now ready to steal some shit!
I ducked into the bathroom and luckily, it was empty. I barricaded the door with a trash can and I immediately kicked open all the stall doors. Sure, I could’ve opened them, but that’s not nearly as cool! I was saddened each time, and questioning my luck when I reached the handicapped stall at the end. With a boot from my steel-toed Air Jordans, I kicked open the door and smiled. Someone had squeezed out a big ol’ Cleveland Steamer and forgot to flush!
I grabbed the back and using a little trick I oversaw "go down" at a local park, I stuck my hand in the back and "scooped the poop" (as the kids call it!) and flipped the back inside out. I held it low to my side and headed out the door. Well, after moving the garbage can that some asshole stuck in front of it. What an asshole!
I checked the coast quickly and headed for the door. A smile crossed my face as I was only a few feet from freedom. Suddenly, a stock boy stepped in front of my path. I side stepped, but in a well-played move he side stepped as well.
"What’s in the bag?" he asked.
"I got a receipt", I said.
Oh great, another stock boy was approaching.
I dug into my back pocket like I was going for my wallet and then swung up my fist and punched him square in the face! He dropped like a sack of shit, which under the situation at the time, was sorta ironic. Unfortunately, his friend through off his blue vest and cracked his neck as if to say "It’s go time!"
"It’s go time!" he then echoed, which was sorta odd what with the gesture beforehand and all. Anyway, he tried to grab my arm, and did. Luckily, I had attached an artificial arm in case of such an emergency and had used one arm for everything I had done before! He was definitely shocked and I could tell so I laughed. Unfortunately, I had given him a weapon and he began beating me with the arm!
I crawled toward the door, knowing if I could get out I’d be home free. He also must’ve known this from the Wal-Mart employee handbook. He grabbed my leg and I tried to wiggle out. Actually, I could’ve gotten free, but I wasn’t about to let him have one of my steel-toed Air Jordans! They took me like seven to mod!
I managed to stand up (on my one foot) and for some reason, he tossed my foot into the air. Luckily, I had been watching kung fu movies for two days straight. I did this sweet flip that I wish I had on tape, maybe I’ll have to sneak back into Wal-Mart and see if they saved it off the camera). Anyway, I landed on my feet and ran for the door when he dove forward and grabbed me by the arm. He tried to pull me back so I poked him in the eye to buy me some time. Then I remembered how they always tell you in kung fu movies not to think and just to do. I punched the guy square in the nose and I think I broke it.
"You broke my nose!" he yelled as he clutched it. So yeah, I’m pretty sure I did break it! I knew I was free to escape, but I was feeling a little cocky, so I ran up the neared wall a few feet and sprunch off with a super sweet Bruce Lee kick to the dude’s face. His whole face turned in slow motion and sweat flew off as the rest of his body finally spun around and he hit the ground. I took off, but a cop car was parked where my bike was and the officer was scratching his head as he looked at the damage to the front of his vehicle. Fucking cops!
I climbed up the side of the building and he yelled at me! He shot at me, but I had been reading Spider-Man comics between the fight scenes in the kungfu movies and I easily evaded him with some sweet Spidey like wallcrawling! Luckily, I had my good friend Danny Trejo (you might’ve heard of him... he’s been in like a million movies) park my hot air balloon (he borrowed it to fuck some prostitutes in it, crazy cat) on the roof instead of returning it to my mansion. I hit the fire thing on it and let off, but the cop was looking pretty mad. I dropped a sandbag on his head for comedic fashion, but apparently it killed the dude, from what I read.
Anyway, I made it safely home, minus some birds that kept making weird bird noises at me. I got inside and quickly let the shit I had stolen free in my toilet. I was very happy, and the shit lived happily ever after until my friend Timbo stopped by to borrow my copy of Escape from New York and flushed it. I called him a butthole.
Oh, and this all really happened and is a true story! I’ve never lied a day in my life. |
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 | Jan 23, 2006 12:47 pm -
the worst story ever
yet i laughed my ass off 5* |
 | Jan 23, 2006 1:05 pm -
This is the Best story ever, but wtf happened to the poor fishys? |
| Jan 23, 2006 1:06 pm -
Oh yea, 5*. |
 | Jan 23, 2006 1:12 pm -
lol 5*****
no way you did all that shit and no way you have all those cars |
 | Jan 23, 2006 1:46 pm -
Hahah, thats funny as shit man. I knew you off all people would’nt post stupid eggs on stealing shit....5* fave list |
 | Jan 23, 2006 1:46 pm -
your a fucking dumbass i didnt even make an effort to read that shit 0* |
 | Jan 23, 2006 1:48 pm -
I guess you where really bored
5* |
 | Jan 23, 2006 1:57 pm -
OMG!!!!
GREATEST STORY EVER!!!!
5 fishin’ ***** |
 | Jan 23, 2006 2:57 pm -
a Very very funny story, awsome egg man 5* |
 | Jan 23, 2006 3:08 pm -
Well, if you say it’s true...
5* |
| Ja 23, 2006 3:10 pm -
Well, if you say it’s true...
5* |
| Ja 23, 2006 3:12 pm -
sorry for double post. |
 | Jan 23, 2006 4:10 pm -
i always steal shit from wallmart, especaily axe its real easy and theres no tags on it, i go to walmart a lot since my dad owns a subway retaraunt in the walmart in my town |
| Jan 23, 2006 4:11 pm -
o ya five stars |
 | Jan 23, 2006 4:12 pm -
haha. nice one steven seagal. i do that all the time |
| Jan 23, 2006 4:14 pm -
5* |
 | Jan 23, 2006 5:32 pm -
Funniest story ever. 5* |
| Jan 23, 2006 5:53 pm -
Another one of pyoobez’s eggs in my favorites. :) |
 | Jan 23, 2006 9:26 pm -
wow,^^^ its not like its your referal link or anything |
| Ja 23, 2006 9:26 pm -
5*s btw |
 | Jan 24, 2006 7:23 am -
My plan for stealing from wallmart involves asslt rifles, plastic explosives, and midgets. But I guess your scheme could work on a rainy day. 5 stars bitch,funny stuff. |
 | Jan 24, 2006 10:45 am -
[b][i]WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 |
 | Jan 24, 2006 3:03 pm -
Haha...Air Jordans. Great story, I think Ill read it again! 5*** |
 | Jan 24, 2006 3:11 pm -
ha, good tale man 4**** |
 | Jan 24, 2006 3:28 pm -
Nice story! 5* |
 | Jan 25, 2006 2:41 am -
This is quality randomness.. the oppisite of "Your mom"
5************** ************* |
 | Jan 25, 2006 6:33 pm -
this is the funniest shit i have read all week.. 0!
jk 5 |
 | Jan 27, 2006 5:30 pm - haha
o shitttt funny stuff
i actually tried it...
aced it until the bruce lee kick thing...
i landed on my head
that was the end of my escapade :P
haha i kid.... 5 though |
| Jan 29, 2006 10:17 am -
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee five stars |
 | Feb 01, 2006 11:52 am -
this is a load of crappy bullshit. 0* |
 | Feb 01, 2006 7:33 pm -
What’s sad is only two people gave this crap a zero... 5*!!!!!! |
 | Jun 28, 2006 1:35 am -
Can fish be lesbo? (or gay for that matter?) Oh well I guess I’ll never know =(. ***** |
 | Jan 30, 2007 4:19 pm -
LMAOOO dude you should write a whole series of books i would read them all =DDD |
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