May 06, 2006 4:39 pm - Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. 60 8.017
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing. 43 7.698
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them. 39 7.179
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. 26 8.000
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. 29 7.448
Originally, Jawbreakers were in the shape of Chuck Norris’ fist. 37 7.432
Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own. 18 6.111
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter". 42 6.905
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. 16 8.625
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors. 20 8.000
Chuck Norris thought up some of the funniest Chuck Norris facts ever, but he hasn’t submitted them to the site because he doesn’t believe in any form of submission. 25 6.720
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death. 13 6.769
Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants. 23 7.565
Chuck Norris doesn’t have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel. 23 6.783
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. 22 7.864
When Chuck Norris exercises, the machine gets stronger. 12 7.250
Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for Chuck Norris. 25 7.400
It is impossible to be raped by Chuck Norris because that would mean you did not want it to happen. 38 8.421
Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public. 17 6.706
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever. 14 8.357
Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno. 12 8.083
If you see Chuck Norris crying he will grant you a wish, if your wish is dying. 12 6.833
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop. 12 7.250
Chuck Norris crossed the road. Nobody has ever dared question his motives. 15 7.200
They say that lightning never strikes the same place twice. Niether does Chuck Norris. He doesn’t have to. 8 6.125
Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club. 22 7.227
Jeeves asks Chuck Norris. 15 7.200
When driving in his SUV, Chuck Norris always swerves out of the way if a squirrel is in the road. Not because he finds their antics amusing, but because it gives him a chance to run over pedestrians. 18 7.278
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris 13 7.846
Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can’t get up the courage to tell him. 17 7.882
Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands. 16 8.375
Chuck Norris has to sort his laundry into three loads: darks, whites, and bloodstains. 12 5.167
Water boils faster when Chuck Norris watches it. 15 5.800
Chuck Norris has only one hand: the upper hand. 16 8.875
The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris. 10 7.400
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. 15 7.600
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. 8 9.000
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants. 11 6.818
If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down. 11 5.818
Chuck Norris can divide by zero. 14 7.214
Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing. 10 8.500
Chuck Norris clogs the toilet even when he pisses. 13 5.769
Chuck Norris can speak braille. 15 7.733
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress. 8 6.875
Chuck Norris refers to himself in fourth person. 16 6.375
One time in an airport a guy accidently called Chuck Norris "Chick Norris". He explained it was an honest mistake and apologized profusely. Chuck accepted his apology and politely signed an autograph. Nine months later, the guy’s wife gave birth to a bearded baby. The guy knew exactly what had happened, and blames nobody but himself. 16 6.563
A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris’ shoe. Chuck replied, "Don’t you know who I am? I’m Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris. 9 7.000
Similar to a Russian Nesting Doll, if you were to break Chuck Norris open you would find another Chuck Norris inside, only smaller and angrier. 9 7.222
Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris. 17 8.118
Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his penis. 10 5.200
At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris 9 6.444
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas. 18 8.611
Whenever someone is constipated, doctors send them to Chuck Norris so he can scare the shit out of them. 26 8.115
Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel and Arnold Schwarzenegger have all died and are in Heaven. Each of them hope to occupy the seat next to God. God asks Vin Diesel why he thinks he should have the seat and Vin replies, "I believe... I should have the seat because of the virtuosity in my toughness and pride." Arnie says, "I believe... that I should be the one sitting next to you because of all my achievements." God then turns to Chuck Norris, who replies with, "I believe... you are sitting in my seat." 21 5.095
Chuck Norris ends every relationship with "Its not me, its you". 15 5.733
The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.
Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it’s fucking beef.
Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know when Chuck Norris is going to kill you.
Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don’t kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in magic.
Geico saved 15% by switching to Chuck Norris.
In order to survive a nuclear attack, you must remember to stop, drop, and be Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once went on Celebrity Jeopardy and answered, "Who is Chuck Norris?" to every question. It was the first and only time in Jeopardy history that a contestant answered every single question right. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Chuck Norris realized that if you change the "d" in "wand" to a "g", the Harry Potter books become a whole lot more interesting.
As a child, Chuck Norris played Hungry Hungry Hippos with real hippos.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Bruce Lee, breaking him in half. The result was Jet Li and Jackie Chan.
The phrase "Made by Chuck Norris" is imprinted beneath the surface of China.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself... The only thing fear has to fear is Chuck Norris.
If at first you don’t succeed, you are obviously not Chuck Norris.
Jesus owns and wears a bracelet that reads, "WWCND?"
Chuck Norris’ dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren’t the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
Chuck Norris never gets brain freeze. Slurpees know when to back the fuck off.
Chuck Norris once survived a suicide bombing. He was the bomber.
The most effective form of suicide known to man is to type "Chuck Norris" into Google and hit "I’m Feeling Lucky!".
Switzerland isn’t really neutral. They just haven’t figured out what side Chuck Norris is on yet.
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he’s telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Chuck Norris only uses one chopstick.
Chuck Norris got in touch with his feminine side, and promptly got her pregnant.
The only reason Chuck Norris didn’t win an Oscar for his performance in "Sidekicks" is because nobody in their right mind would willingly give Chuck Norris a blunt metal object. That’s just suicide. 7 7.571
Objects in Chuck Norris’s rear-view mirror appear at their correct distances.
Chuck Norris doesn’t give Christmas presents. If you live to see Christmas, that is your Christmas present from Chuck.
Chuck Norris once killed 5 people in less than a second. The only thing he said after this incident was, "Damn it, when Chuck Norris doesn’t want Girl Scout cookies, Chuck Norris doesn’t want Girl Scout cookies."
When Chuck Norris answers the phone, he just says "Go". This is not permission for you to begin speaking, it is your cue to start running for your life.
Chuck Norris was sending an email one day, when he realized that it would be faster to run. 12 5.917
Chuck Norris’ sperm can penetrate 13 condoms, the birth control pill, a brick wall, and the 1975 Pittsburgh Steelers offensive line in order to impregnate a woman.
The only reason the Energizer Bunny keeps going and going is because it knows Chuck Norris is after it.
Chuck Norris always gets blackjack. Even when he’s playing poker.
Little kids enjoy lighting ants on fire with magnifying glasses. Chuck Norris enjoys lighting little kids on fire with ants. Scientists have yet to find out how this feat is achieved.
If you try to introduce your mother to Chuck Norris, she’ll introduce you to your biological father.
When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is Courage?" Chuck Norris received an "A+" for writing only the words "Chuck Norris" and promptly turning in the paper.
Chuck Norris doesn’t use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."
Chuck Norris doesn’t understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.
Chuck Norris doesn’t have a bank account. He just tells the bank how much he needs.
Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.
May 06, 2006 4:40 pm - Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. 60 8.017
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing. 43 7.698
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them. 39 7.179
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. 26 8.000
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. 29 7.448
Originally, Jawbreakers were in the shape of Chuck Norris’ fist. 37 7.432
Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own. 18 6.111
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter". 42 6.905
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. 16 8.625
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors. 20 8.000
Chuck Norris thought up some of the funniest Chuck Norris facts ever, but he hasn’t submitted them to the site because he doesn’t believe in any form of submission. 25 6.720
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death. 13 6.769
Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants. 23 7.565
Chuck Norris doesn’t have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel. 23 6.783
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. 22 7.864
When Chuck Norris exercises, the machine gets stronger. 12 7.250
Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for Chuck Norris. 25 7.400
It is impossible to be raped by Chuck Norris because that would mean you did not want it to happen. 38 8.421
Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public. 17 6.706
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever. 14 8.357
Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno. 12 8.083
If you see Chuck Norris crying he will grant you a wish, if your wish is dying. 12 6.833
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop. 12 7.250
Chuck Norris crossed the road. Nobody has ever dared question his motives. 15 7.200
They say that lightning never strikes the same place twice. Niether does Chuck Norris. He doesn’t have to. 8 6.125
Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club. 22 7.227
Jeeves asks Chuck Norris. 15 7.200
When driving in his SUV, Chuck Norris always swerves out of the way if a squirrel is in the road. Not because he finds their antics amusing, but because it gives him a chance to run over pedestrians. 18 7.278
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris 13 7.846
Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can’t get up the courage to tell him. 17 7.882
Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands. 16 8.375
Chuck Norris has to sort his laundry into three loads: darks, whites, and bloodstains. 12 5.167
Water boils faster when Chuck Norris watches it. 15 5.800
Chuck Norris has only one hand: the upper hand. 16 8.875
The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris. 10 7.400
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. 15 7.600
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. 8 9.000
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants. 11 6.818
If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down. 11 5.818
Chuck Norris can divide by zero. 14 7.214
Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing. 10 8.500
Chuck Norris clogs the toilet even when he pisses. 13 5.769
Chuck Norris can speak braille. 15 7.733
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress. 8 6.875
Chuck Norris refers to himself in fourth person. 16 6.375
One time in an airport a guy accidently called Chuck Norris "Chick Norris". He explained it was an honest mistake and apologized profusely. Chuck accepted his apology and politely signed an autograph. Nine months later, the guy’s wife gave birth to a bearded baby. The guy knew exactly what had happened, and blames nobody but himself. 16 6.563
A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris’ shoe. Chuck replied, "Don’t you know who I am? I’m Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris. 9 7.000
Similar to a Russian Nesting Doll, if you were to break Chuck Norris open you would find another Chuck Norris inside, only smaller and angrier. 9 7.222
Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris. 17 8.118
Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his penis. 10 5.200
At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris 9 6.444
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas. 18 8.611
Whenever someone is constipated, doctors send them to Chuck Norris so he can scare the shit out of them. 26 8.115
Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel and Arnold Schwarzenegger have all died and are in Heaven. Each of them hope to occupy the seat next to God. God asks Vin Diesel why he thinks he should have the seat and Vin replies, "I believe... I should have the seat because of the virtuosity in my toughness and pride." Arnie says, "I believe... that I should be the one sitting next to you because of all my achievements." God then turns to Chuck Norris, who replies with, "I believe... you are sitting in my seat." 21 5.095
Chuck Norris ends every relationship with "Its not me, its you". 15 5.733
The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.
Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it’s fucking beef.
Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know when Chuck Norris is going to kill you.
Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don’t kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in magic.
Geico saved 15% by switching to Chuck Norris.
In order to survive a nuclear attack, you must remember to stop, drop, and be Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once went on Celebrity Jeopardy and answered, "Who is Chuck Norris?" to every question. It was the first and only time in Jeopardy history that a contestant answered every single question right. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Chuck Norris realized that if you change the "d" in "wand" to a "g", the Harry Potter books become a whole lot more interesting.
As a child, Chuck Norris played Hungry Hungry Hippos with real hippos.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Bruce Lee, breaking him in half. The result was Jet Li and Jackie Chan.
The phrase "Made by Chuck Norris" is imprinted beneath the surface of China.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself... The only thing fear has to fear is Chuck Norris.
If at first you don’t succeed, you are obviously not Chuck Norris.
Jesus owns and wears a bracelet that reads, "WWCND?"
Chuck Norris’ dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren’t the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
Chuck Norris never gets brain freeze. Slurpees know when to back the fuck off.
Chuck Norris once survived a suicide bombing. He was the bomber.
The most effective form of suicide known to man is to type "Chuck Norris" into Google and hit "I’m Feeling Lucky!".
Switzerland isn’t really neutral. They just haven’t figured out what side Chuck Norris is on yet.
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he’s telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Chuck Norris only uses one chopstick.
Chuck Norris got in touch with his feminine side, and promptly got her pregnant.
The only reason Chuck Norris didn’t win an Oscar for his performance in "Sidekicks" is because nobody in their right mind would willingly give Chuck Norris a blunt metal object. That’s just suicide. 7 7.571
Objects in Chuck Norris’s rear-view mirror appear at their correct distances.
Chuck Norris doesn’t give Christmas presents. If you live to see Christmas, that is your Christmas present from Chuck.
Chuck Norris once killed 5 people in less than a second. The only thing he said after this incident was, "Damn it, when Chuck Norris doesn’t want Girl Scout cookies, Chuck Norris doesn’t want Girl Scout cookies."
When Chuck Norris answers the phone, he just says "Go". This is not permission for you to begin speaking, it is your cue to start running for your life.
Chuck Norris was sending an email one day, when he realized that it would be faster to run. 12 5.917
Chuck Norris’ sperm can penetrate 13 condoms, the birth control pill, a brick wall, and the 1975 Pittsburgh Steelers offensive line in order to impregnate a woman.
The only reason the Energizer Bunny keeps going and going is because it knows Chuck Norris is after it.
Chuck Norris always gets blackjack. Even when he’s playing poker.
Little kids enjoy lighting ants on fire with magnifying glasses. Chuck Norris enjoys lighting little kids on fire with ants. Scientists have yet to find out how this feat is achieved.
If you try to introduce your mother to Chuck Norris, she’ll introduce you to your biological father.
When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is Courage?" Chuck Norris received an "A+" for writing only the words "Chuck Norris" and promptly turning in the paper.
Chuck Norris doesn’t use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."
Chuck Norris doesn’t understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.
Chuck Norris doesn’t have a bank account. He just tells the bank how much he needs.
Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.
Jun 17, 2006 9:24 pm - Guns don’t kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.
There is no chin under Chuck Norris’ Beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.
The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer
Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
Jun 17, 2006 9:42 pm - Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost
Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
# Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken’s famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.
# CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.
# Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
# There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
# Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
# What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris’ victims before they died? His shoe.
# Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
# Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
# Chuck Norris doesn’t churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
# Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
# A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
# Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
# Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Masacre.
# If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
# Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That’s no glitch."
# Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face.
# The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
# Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
# Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth’s atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
# Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
# Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren’t the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
# Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
# Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
# Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
# Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris’s warm-up exercises.
# Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
# In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.
# Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"
# Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
# Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
# Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.
# The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.
# In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
# According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.
# Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
# Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.
# When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
# There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.
# Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
# Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck’s gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
# Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.
* When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.
* Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
* Some people like to eat frogs’ legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
* There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
* When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald’s because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy’s.
* Chuck Norris can’t finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.
* A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
* When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn’t get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
* Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)
* Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
* When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won’t be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.
* How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.
* Chuck Norris doesn’t actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
* In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald’s in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized.
* Chuck Norris CAN believe it’s not butter.
* If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.
* Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
* The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
* A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.
* Newton’s Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
* Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It’s called Chuck-Will-Kill.
* When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
* While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
* Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.
* When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.
* When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.
* Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."
* Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.
* Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
* For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
* Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.
* When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.
* Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
* When you’re Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.
* Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
* On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
* Nobody doesn’t like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.
* Chuck Norris doesn’t throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!
* In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.
* Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.
* Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
* Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"
* Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
* Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
* If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn’t happen.
* Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.
* Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther’s womb.
* Chuck Norris doesn’t bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
* The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
* It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
* You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.
* Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.
* The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.
* There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
* Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in Germany.
* When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn’t walk around people. He walks through them.
* Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
* James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
* Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
* Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.
* Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
* It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
# Chuck Norris is responsible for China’s over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.
# Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
# Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.
# Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.
# When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
# Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football-- in that order.
# A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.
# Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.
# There is in fact an “I” in Norris, but there is no “team”… not even close.
# Scotty in Star Trek often says “Ye cannae change the laws of physics.” This is untrue. Chuck Norris can change the laws of physics. With his fists.
# An anagram for Walker Texas Ranger is KARATE WRANGLER SEX. I don’t know what that is, but it sounds AWESOME.
# Chuck Norris doesn’t stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.
# Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a fieldgoal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.
# Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don’t really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.
# Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
# Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because "The Sum of All Fears" is the name of Chuck Norris’ autobiography.
# Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
# Chuck Norris is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, even though Chuck Norris does not swim. This is because when Chuck Norris enters the water, the water gets out of his way and Chuck Norris simply walks across the pool floor.
# Chuck Norris built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door.
# The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron’s ass halfway through the first chapter.
# Hellen Keller’s favorite color is Chuck Norris.
# Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."
# If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he’d win. Period.
# Chuck Norris is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
# The crossing lights in Chuck Norris’s home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of Chuck Norris punching or kicking a pedestrian.
# Science Fact: Roundhouse kicks are comprised primarily of an element called Chucktanium.
# The Sherman tank was originaly called the Norris tank until Chuck Norris decided it wasn’t tough enough to be associated with him. The Army, for fear of Chuck Norris, renamed the tank and promised to develop a weapon more fitting of his name. To date, no weapon created has been badass enough to be named after Chuck Norris.
# Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren’t before his first space expedition.
# Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.
# Chuck Norris doesn’t step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.
# The movie "Delta Force" was extremely hard to make because Chuck had to downplay his abilities. The first few cuts were completely unbelievable.
# Movie trivia: The movie "Invasion U.S.A." is, in fact, a documentary.
# Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.
# There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
# A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Chuck Norris, 3. Cancer
# It’s widely believed that Jesus was Chuck Norris’ stunt double for crucifixion due to the fact that it is impossible for nails to pierce Chuck Norris’ skin.
# Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.
# Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
# Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for this is because Chuck Norris had won every Federal, State, and Local election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place.
# Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back.
# Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.
# Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is "his" way.
# The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because dead men tell no tales.
# Chuck Norris doesn’t play god. Playing is for children.
# As a teen, Chuck Norris had sex with every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.
# Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.
# Chuck Norris won super bowls VII and VIII singlehandedly before unexpectedly retiring to pursue a career in ass-kicking.
# Wo hu cang long. The translation from Mandarin Chinese reads: "Crouching Chuck, Hidden Norris"
# Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
# Some kids play Kick the can. Chuck Norris played Kick the keg.
# ’Icy-Hot’ is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA.
# Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill.
# When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn’t suck his mother’s breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.
# According to Einstein’s theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
# Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.
# In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
# Chuck Norris’ favourite cut of meat is the roundhouse.
# When J. Robert Oppenheimer said "I am become death, the destroyer Of worlds", He was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Chuck Norris halloween costume he was wearing.
# Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
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