"The Talk": What to do when hassled by the police
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(270 votes)
Published: Feb 25, 2007 9:51 a.m.
In 19 Favorites Lists
Viewed 3702 times |
According to things I’ve read, if you’re black and male, your father will give you "The Talk" when you’re about 12 years old. No, not the sex "talk." I mean he’ll give you fatherly advice on how to act when hassled by a police officer, knowing your skin color and sex will cause cops to single you out for harrassment. I’m not black, I have no children, and I’m not even old enough to be a father figure for any but the youngest members here, but this "talk" is important.
Anyway, I was picking up my girlfriend, and sitting in my parked car. Some busybody of a neighbor thought I was buying drugs and called the cops. The cop went out of his way, above and beyond the call of duty, to be a liar and an asshole, but I came out ahead.
In any case, remember the cop’s motivation is solely to find an excuse to arrest you. First, he’ll want to find contraband, especially drugs or weapons, on you or in your car. Let him pat you down for weapons and such; it’s allowed. Do not speak to him, or even look at him, unless specifically asked to do so; he could say you were being "combattive" or "defiant" otherwise. When he asks if you have anything in the car or your pockets he "should know about," pause for about five seconds, then tell him "no" in a monotone, soft, annoyed voice. If he asks permission to search your car, deny it, especially if there are no drugs in the car.
When that fails, he’ll want to arrest you for being under the influence of alcohol or drugs. Remember two things: First, field sobriety tests are bogus. They are used by the police to determine if a "real" sobriety test is needed, such as drawing a sample of your blood or urine. Second, field sobriety tests are handy tools to encourage you to incriminate yourself, that is, to make you admit to consuming alcohol or drugs. The police are allowed to use deception to make a suspect confess to a crime. Ergo, it is impossible to "pass" a field sobriety test. My test consisted of shining a flashlight into my eyes several times, then comparing the size of my pupils to the dots on a card. The test indicated I was high on a stimulant. I knew this to be false because I hadn’t consumed alcohol in a week, and hadn’t used illicit drugs in more than ten years, which was marijuana. I didn’t even consume any caffeine. Logically, the test is bogus because there is no size your pupils can be that doesn’t match a size on that card. The cop was probably expecting me to confess to using drugs, or to beg like a puppy for forgiveness, proclaiming my innocence. I did neither, and so should you.
Oh, and if he says you’re "in a known drug area," he’s right, in a way. There’s no place you can travel that is not a "known drug area." One of the differences between poor and affluent areas is the quality of drugs the people can afford. Ignore the "known drug area" statement.
So, you’ve got no contraband, and haven’t been using drugs? Good, but there’s one tactic left the police can use to arrest you: The cop can be completely obnoxious. This is to provoke a fight; assaulting a police officer is their favorite offense to use to arrest you. The cop will become annoyed by your aloof attitude, demonstrated by your pausing before answering his questions, and will interrupt you with insults about your intelligence, perhaps asking "Do you speak English?" He’ll invade what is commonly called your "personal space," putting his face into yours. Remember, keep your hands below your waist at all times. He has already checked you for weapons, but your instinct is to put your arms up to block his approach. Don’t do it; this is the only thing he needs to say you were assaulting him, and charge you with assault, resisteng arrest, and perhaps beat you down just for fun. The cop went so far as to call my girlfriend a "crack whore," knowing most men would react with violence. Before the cop and I even met, I knew he’d lie and be obnoxious, so I ignored it.
About this time, my girlfriend, the "crack whore," emerged from the house. She can’t control her emotions and keep her mouth shut, so the cop was nastier to her than to me. He told her I was high on some unknown stimulant; more deception to try to get a confession. She said if he was convinced of this, he should conduct a urine test, which the cop had no intention of doing.
With nothing left, the cop returned my drivers license and explained I could complain to the police chief if I wanted, but the neighbors are tired of the drug activity, and he’d find a reason to arrest me if I ever returned to the area, which I took to mean he’d plant drugs in my car or provoke a fight. I travel where I please without asking his permission.
And for the neighbors: Congratulations. Thanks to you, the morons you keep reelecting to local government, and the crooked police department (for reasons I haven’t even mentioned here), the entire town is such a rat’s nest that I can’t sell my home. So, as soon as I am able, you will be losing a homeowner (me), and gaining an absentee landlord (me living someplace else). More drug-addled low income renters will be moving in. I hope you’re happy.
In summary:
--Don’t carry drugs on you. If you must use drugs, leave them at home.
--Speak to a cop only when he speaks to you. In fact, don’t even approach a cop unless you have a specific problem that requires his assistance.
--Cops lie. Admit nothing.
--Cops are obnoxious. Don’t say or do anything to give him an excuse to assault you. Even eye contact can be taken as threatening, so when answering his questions, look straight ahead and pretend he isn’t there until he makes you look at him. Conduct yourself with more dignity than the other person.
--Field sobriety tests are tools of deception. You cannot pass them, which is why a "real" sobriety test is necessary in court.
--Get the cop’s badge number without asking him, in case he pulls any shenanigans.
--Remember being told as a young child that all cops are your friends? Remember the "all cops are heroes" mantra that’s been parrotted since September 11, 2001? Forget both.
--Have a real (sic) nice day.
Additional reading |
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 | Feb 25, 2007 10:01 am -
H-Dogg, Good read man. 5*
All that shit is true, I’d start posting stories here, but I’m too lazy, and I don’t want to pull the focus away from the truth here. |
 | Feb 25, 2007 10:01 am -
Cool, but why’d you put it here?
Pranks / Mature Audience Pranks / Risky / Dangerous
....? |
 | Feb 25, 2007 10:08 am -
Nice egg 5* |
 | Feb 25, 2007 10:16 am -
Quote: Cool, but why’d you put it here?
Pranks / Mature Audience Pranks / Risky / Dangerous
....?
I thought about putting it in the stories category, but it’s not really a prank, so it didn’t seem to fit. It didn’t really fit anywhere, except as a How-to, and it wasn’t a good fit in any of those subcategories.
More anecdotal stuff: Before I was even born, my father graduated from law school and got his first professional job with the City Attorney’s office in my former city. ’Twas just a medium sized city at the time; little more than a place to stop and buy beer when travelling from one place to another. Even so, they had over a dozen attorneys on staff, my father included, working full time, doing nothing but defending lawsuits against the city, mostly from the actions of their police officers. Granted, a sizeable number of the suits were bogus, filed by people hoping to get their convictions thrown out. But my father was a real flag-waving law-and-order patriot, and even he knew that lots of police officers are no better than the people they arrest. |
 | Feb 25, 2007 10:29 am -
4* I enjoyed reading that. |
 | Feb 25, 2007 10:32 am -
5* and faves
brilliant |
 | Feb 25, 2007 10:34 am -
5*’s. The pigs arnt to bad around here though. I guess its because its not a big town. |
 | Feb 25, 2007 10:39 am -
5* good advice |
 | Feb 25, 2007 10:50 am -
5*, and any smart person who lived in my town who read this would put it int their favorites.
My city is a drug and gang infested cesspool teeming with dirty cops just itching to arrest some teenager like myself on trumped-up drug charges, just so they can get their own article in the paper or in the news.
I know people in the "Junior Explorers" police program here who say that theyve been stopped for speeding before, such as driving 90 in a 30 zone, and they just "happened" to have their badge in their wallet when they pull out their I.D., and they got off scot-free.
The cops in this city are fine if you cooperate with them (but usually, most dont have the patience) but most of the time, theyre just like H-Dogg described. |
 | Feb 25, 2007 10:52 am -
Know your fourth, fifth, and sixth amendments rights. Don’t consent to a search. Don’t confess. Ask for a lawyer. |
 | Feb 25, 2007 11:03 am -
cops are worthless. They are hear to serve and protect us not to harass us
i was gonna rate this a zero like i do most story eggs, but this one gets a 5 |
| Feb 25, 2007 11:10 am -
see my problem is that i have anger issues and i usually end up telling them to fuck off and telling them how they cant do anything useful in there jobs except keep the krispy kreme in buisness and thats why ive been arrested 4 times. Looking back i wouldve just stayed calm. It isnt worth all the bullshit u have to deal with after being arrested. They will tac on ALL kinds of bullshit charges if u piss them off enough. (which is what happened when i said the krispy kreme comment to those dickholes) |
 | F b 25, 2007 11:16 am -
5* last night i was hassled by a nice cop my buddies and i were burying my friends car at a target store this guy called the cops i saw him on his phone and he drove to get our plates he rolled down his window and said hurry up the cops are coming we unburied the car and the cop was like i know its a prank but just knock it off. It was funny we did it later in the night. I cant believe that asshole called the cops though. |
 | eb 25, 2007 11:37 am -
have your phone on record, o wait if he searches you.....o what the hell 5* |
| Feb 25, 2007 11:40 am -
Well done...5*... |
 | Feb 25, 2007 11:50 am -
preety good egg, most eggs are shitty o well 0*’s lol j/p u get 5*’s |
| Feb 25, 2007 11:50 am -
preety good egg, most eggs are shitty o well 0*’s lol j/p u get 5*’s |
 | Feb 25, 2007 11:50 am -
nice man 5* |
 | Feb 25, 2007 11:59 am -
i hate cops so much, they go out of their way at our school to make sure we know which class I am going to and then they make sure that I go the route I’m supposed to take to get to the class on time, their all faggots, all faggots
5* |
 | F b 25, 2007 12:03 pm -
kool 5* |
 | Feb 25, 2007 12:28 pm -
I’ve had a few bad experiences with cops. but i got one buddy that as long as where with him the cops wount bust us. We’ve been pulled over WAY passed curfew with pot on us and she told she was going to go against her better judgement even though the car smelled suspiciously, and let us off with a warning. Then one time the cop pulled us over doing 83 in a 55 on the way to church. Busted us with a glass bowl and let us off with a warning and broke the piece. 5* |
 | Feb 25, 2007 12:42 pm -
lmao nahh this wont work for me ..all the police here know who i am and..what i do..etc..
3* |
 | Feb 25, 2007 1:42 pm -
Excellent, 5** |
 | Feb 25, 2007 2:17 pm -
Wonderfully said, I have a similar story but it ended up with me being beaten and taken into custody under the charges of possession and resisting arrest. |
 | Feb 25, 2007 3:14 pm -
I have respect for cops,I like what they do.They keep us safe,but their job is NOT to be n asshole.
Good egg,I couoldve used this before I talked shit to a cop and got arrested.
*4 |
| Feb 25, 2007 3:24 pm -
am not blacc but i like this egg so 4*’s |
 | Feb 25, 2007 3:46 pm -
good egg H-Dogg but theres one thing EVERYONE should know. ’I do not consent to any unwarranted searches.’ that line is your best friend. unless the cop actually sees any drugs on your car or find any on you, legally he can not check your car.
i have a friend who got pulled over. the cop unlocked his glove compartment without his consent and found an ounce of bud. when he want to court, he wasnt charged with anything cause of that one line. |
 | Feb 25, 2007 4:06 pm -
Quote: and even he knew that lots of police officers are no better than the people they arrest.
So true. Earlier this year the school police officer was fired for having sex with one of the students. I am sure he is in prison somewhere now. |
 | Feb 25, 2007 5:15 pm - ahh hate them.
One time me and two of my friends were driving up and down the shore towns (I live in nj) and we just drove around and smoked a bowl. At about 4 in the A.M. A cop pulled my friend over (He was driving) the cops gave us some bullshit story saying we were yelling out the windows disturbing the peace. We denied it and he asked for my freinds licsence and registration. He gave it to him then the cop came back with a ticked for not wearing his seatbelt. The kicker is He was! The cop just looked at him adn said "Oh well i already wrote it out" My friend didnt want t argue because we had nug in the car so he just took the 45 dollar ticket and left. |
 | Feb 26, 2007 12:53 am -
Cops suck, especially in San Antonio. All crooked. 5*’s for the good read. |
 | Feb 26, 2007 2:13 am -
you is a smart boy 5* |
 | Feb 26, 2007 9:47 am -
nice egg, but i live in england and the cops here have breathaliaser tests which means it is easier to prove ur not under the influence of alcohol which can annoy them if ur innocent >:D 3* |
 | Feb 26, 2007 10:15 am -
can tell it took some time so 4*s |
 | Feb 26, 2007 12:30 pm -
lucky the pigs arnt this bad in scotland |
 | Feb 26, 2007 8:18 pm -
you get 5*s, but you did mess up on something. if a cop wants to do a feild sobriety test, you have to comply with it unless you want to be arrested and have it done in the station. its called the Implied Consent Law. i agree most cops are assholes, infact alot of them are just plain fucking twats. around here we dont have to big of an issue with them because i live in a small town in Upper Michigan. but going down to chicago to visit my cousin i got pulled over 3 times, once for swerving when i got cut off by some ass hole, once for being in a ’known drug area’, and once for going 70 in a 60 zone. big city cops are fucking pricks. 5*s and faves if i havent already said it. |
| Feb 26, 2007 8:21 pm -
you get 5*s, but you did mess up on something. if a cop wants to do a feild sobriety test, you have to comply with it unless you want to be arrested and have it done in the station. its called the Implied Consent Law. i agree most cops are assholes, infact alot of them are just plain fucking twats. around here we dont have to big of an issue with them because i live in a small town in Upper Michigan. but going down to chicago to visit my cousin i got pulled over 3 times, once for swerving when i got cut off by some ass hole, once for being in a ’known drug area’, and once for going 70 in a 60 zone. big city cops are fucking pricks. 5*s and faves if i havent already said it. |
 | Feb 27, 2007 9:14 pm -
nice. ya i was walking home once with a friend listening to rap although i dont really like it making fun of how they dance and a dick cop pulled me over saying i was flipping him off and throwing up gang signs. after we were pulled over 4 other cop cars pulled up and my friend and i couldn’t help but laugh. so he pulled his bouttan the stick thing i cant spell and threatend me. a said hit me take me to the station and i wanna see who losses there job.
he got back in his car and left. |
| Feb 27, 2007 9:15 pm -
nice. ya i was walking home once with a friend listening to rap although i dont really like it making fun of how they dance and a dick cop pulled me over saying i was flipping him off and throwing up gang signs. after we were pulled over 4 other cop cars pulled up and my friend and i couldn’t help but laugh. so he pulled his bouttan the stick thing i cant spell and threatend me. a said hit me take me to the station and i wanna see who losses there job.
he got back in his car and left. |
 | Feb 28, 2007 3:47 pm -
beautiful. very informative! i have trouble dealing with cops, i seem to get extremely cocky around them. i’ll have to keep all this in mind! |
 | Mar 01, 2007 11:59 am -
this hot police officer, touched my balls once and I was like "hey he might like me" ;)
but apparently target accused me of stealing video games.
that officer was hot, I should pretend to get in trouble just so they can do that to me
btw 5 , this makes a lot of sense and works
it just might save me one day ;D |
 | Mar 10, 2007 4:50 pm -
Sweet, now you just have to sit and wait for the cops to get you...4* |
 | Mar 28, 2007 11:03 am -
bomb egg. play on playa *5 |
 | Apr 19, 2007 8:10 pm - 5..
I imagine your tips will come in handy..thx
*5.. |
 | May 27, 2007 5:08 pm -
good advice...a cop threatened 2 tazer me for sitting in a parking lot after school with my friend after a fight, that we didnt even see, but i was polite and "obedient" and just ended up leaving |
 | Jun 08, 2007 5:03 am -
fuckin sweet! 5* |
 | Jul 21, 2007 10:51 pm -
Great job! 5* |
 | Dec 07, 2007 4:19 pm -
Five stars. Very informative. |
 | Mar 16, 2008 7:46 pm -
rele injoyed reading this
5* |
 | Aug 31, 2008 11:05 am -
great egg. it is all true. many times ive had some cop try to get in my face, insult me, and one even violate warrant regulations to search my car. 5* for informing others how to take the power back from the oppresive pigs. |
 | Jun 13, 2009 5:23 pm -
one cop stopped me cuz i wuz wearing a russian t shirt
and speaking russian to play em off
an so he took my greencard an ive had to get a new one an move back to the us an take the citizen ship test AGAIN |
| Jun 13, 2009 5:24 pm -
stupid fatass racist donut eetin pigs |
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