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(124 votes) Published: Aug 08, 2007 8:39 a.m. In 3 Favorites Lists Viewed 849 times
I do not know if these games work on Windows Vista. They worked fine with Windows XP Pro. SP2. These games were designed to work on MS-DOS and Windows 98 -. However, with XP, they do work. If you don’t trust me or whatever because you think I put a virus/Trojan/key logger, etc. in them. Then, scan the file at: http://virusscan.jotti.org/
Also, some of these games might have screenshots that are a bit distorted because you can’t really capture the image, thus resulting in a strange image.
Our first worst game:
Smurfs How to play: Double click on SMURFS.EXE to launch the game. Arrow keys to move, Enter button to jump. (Press UP on doors to go through them [That WAS necessary to tell you]) De5cription: Go from left to right while avoiding stupid shit like apples, dirt, puddles of water (Holy shit!), holes, and other rather harmless stuff that smurfs can easily die from. Collect stars, leafs, and some other pointless shit. Once you die, you have to start from the beginning again, no precious checkpoints for you.
As you can see in the picture, puddles mean serious business for the smurfs.
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Mario How to play: Double click on MARIO.EXE to launch the game. Alt Button to jump, space bar to fire. De5cription: It would seem like the people that made smurfs made this game also, were they on LSD while making these games? Go from left to right, however NOW you have to avoid such things as Goombas (walking shrooms), turtles, plants that come from pipes, fish, etc. Collect coins and mushrooms. Yet again, no checkpoints. VERY FUN INDEED.
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Awesome How to play: Directions in-game, two games come in this package. Double click the icons that have pictures. De5cription: First game is Ice Block Jumper or some shit, you play as a penguin jumping from ice block to ice block, avoiding snowmen and jargons of pictures coming at you. I see why they call this awesome, because the background in the game is very psychedelic and so disorienting that it will make you puke. This game includes Air Force technology because you can’t see the mouse and it has some Russian dude saying everything English with an accent. Another game it includes is a rip-off of asteroids, but it’s no fun. More like “Not so Awesome”
Looks like art, eh?
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Billy How to play: Double click on BILLY.EXE to launch the game. Arrow keys to move, spacebar to dig/hammer De5cription: KILL BANANAS. Avoid them while digging holes for them to fall in, after they do fall in, hammer their heads to fill up the hole with them still inside it. After they die, fruit goes everywhere. You play as some chubby kid named Billy (obviously). Makes no sense at all. A must-play.
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TinTin How to play: Double click TINTIN.EXE to launch the game. Arrow keys to move, non-existent jump button. De5cription: Another Infogrames game, all their games consist of going from left to right. *sigh* THIS time you play as some pompous French asshole looking for a Sasquatch or a yeti. He has a dog; his train gets broken down in China. You have to look out for little china men running into you and people throwing some kind of boxes. I suspect it’s really in Korea and they’re dropping off WMDs. You be the judge. However, I think they forgot to implement a jump button. Tsk tsk tsk.
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Duke Nukem 2 How to play: Double click NUKEM2.EXE to launch the game. Directions in-game. De5cription: First off, It’s not really Duke Nukem 2, it’s really Duke Nukem 2D. That’s right, it’s a side scroller, a shitty side scroller to specific. Basically you have a gun, and you shoot it to get to the end. Exploding soda cans, green blobs and shit, etc. Gets boring and repetitive AS SOON as you start. Duke Nukem doesn’t look like the badass he was in the first game.
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Rampage How to play: Double click RAMPAGE.EXE to launch the game. Directions in-game De5cription: This game, actually is pretty fun. It has gore, aliens, gorillas and shit. You play as an Alien… on a rampage. You go and shoot shit from your rail gun, like giant snails and worms. However, this game belongs on this list because YOU GET STUCK EVERY FUCKING 5 MINUTES AND DON’T KNOW WHERE TO GO.
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Dragonheart How to play: Double click DRAGON.EXE to launch the game. Space bar to attack, Z to block, X to jump. De5cription: The intro screen will scare the living shit out of you. Some guy screams then gets shot out of screen. The game has real life models (like Mortal Combat). You fight off indians and other swordsmen. WAIT! WATCH OUT FOR THE FUCKING LOG THAT WILL OWN YOU. This game sucks because of logs that are near impossible to get through and the jumps you have to time perfect or else you fall and fail. Eventually you will have to start again. =(
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Flipout! How to play: Double click on FLIPOUT.EXE and prepare to be blown away by the 1337 graphics of 1990. Click on tiles and match the color stuff together. I am not sure of the objective. De5cription: First off, there is a black screen, give it some time, because of the sheer awesomeness of 1990 3D graphics, this game will own your RAM. Then you see an intro screen with some obese aliens, it would seem as an 11 year old designed this game while suffering from a seizure or severe mental damage, perhaps both. You have to flip tiles and pull the hair out of your scalp while listening to the most annoying sound affects known to man. **PJOIW PJOIW PJOIW PJOIW PJOIW** after playing this game, I realized I could not masturbate for a week.
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Dr.Qs Secret Island How to play: Double click on QISLAND.EXE to launch the game. Use the mouse. De5cription: This game is too fucking creepy. You start off in some amusement park shooting some scary dolls and then end up on a beach making paper collages out of boats (sounds awesome already, doesn’t it?). If you’ve ever played Condemned or Silent Hill, then watch out for this one. You’ll shit bricks, I promise.
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Baldies How to play: Double click on BALDIES.EXE to launch the game. Use the mouse. De5cription: A very shitty and gritty rip-off of Lemmings. So mother fucking frustrating I could not make it through the first level. You grab fish, feed the skunks to the ocean so more fish can appear. Build buildings and sit there pondering “What the fuck do I do next?” However, due to the technological advances of this game, there is room for internet play, a WinSock IPX Connection.
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FAQ
Q: What is Infogrames?
A: A Game Programming/Designing company that used to pump and produce more shit than Willy Wonkas Chocolate River. They originated in the Stone Age. Because of their failure and shitty games, they were shut down. All of their employees and staff have been executed. Actually, no, they are still in business, they created such games as Unreal Tournament, Civilization, Rollercoaster Tycoon.
Q: Some/None of these games work, WHY?
A: Either you have Vista, or some unheard OS. If so, get DosBOX (because it kicks ass)
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