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(91 votes) Published: Feb 19, 2008 5:43 a.m. In 1 Favorites Lists Viewed 819 times
How to find a missing butter.
As I went about my usual business I noticed all the butter was gone. Who ate all the butter? There was no butter left at all.
With this startling unearthing in mind I looked for more butter. There was none in the entire universe. So where did it all go? Where has the butter gone? I dug a hole to see if I could find some butter, I dug two holes. I didn’t find a single butter, all I found was buried dirt. I don’t know who buried all the dirt I found but they did a good job of it. I found a few worms, but I doubted their involvement of this deviant task.
I took my butter-finders elsewhere and questioned the Baker boys from down the street. They’re always up to no-good mischief. I blame their god, Lateefa, for teaching them she isn’t a god. What kind of god exists to disprove god? Lateefa, that’s who.
Anyway, the Baker boys had no information about the missing butter. They suggested I try uncle Toby from the oat mill. As I arrived I heard screaming. I rushed a little to make sure everything was okay. Uncle Toby and his wife were having a smidgen of quarrelling and I made my presence known with a swift knock on the door as I entered and an immediate "oh, there you are, uncle Toby" as if I hadn’t heard them yelling. I’m not an impolite being. I asked him about the missing butter but his mind was elsewhere and his eyes kept wandering, in fact his head kept wandering and turning to his wife, uncle Tobyetta and smirking. I hadn’t the slightest clue why they were smiling, and now they both denied knowledge of butter here nor butter there. Then out of the middle of nothing, they were in an embrace and ignored me. I’m not an impolite being, but some things just defecate too heavily in my tea kettle. I lost my temper and stormed out.
There is a Chinese proverb; if life gives you lemons, squeeze them to release some anger and make lemonade. As I was walking towards the supermarket for some lemons I passed Mr Marmalade the lemon. I asked him about the butter but he couldn’t answer me because he’d been eating bits of carrot I think, but I don’t know how they got there. He suggested I try some other fruits, as he was busy with his own problems and didn’t need to be squeezed because his udder was only half full.
So I went and saw Fruity Bitch at her box. She didn’t answer me when I asked about the butter because she’s just a picture on a cheap generic Glad Wrap box. I should have known better.
I don’t know what I ever saw in her. It might have been the stories she used to tell me, like the incy wincy spider – THAT’S IT! The spider! I’ll see Gordon Savage the spider. So I went to the window where he lives which is quite a long walk for a being my size. When I pulled in I was shocked and disgusted. Gordon Savage didn’t have any butter! The only thing Gordon Savage was eating was a moth! Gordon Savage wasn’t eating butter at all!
I’m not an impolite being, so I approached Gorgon Savage to ask about the missing butter. He’d never heard of butter; only margarine. He was no help, even if Gordon Savage had seen butter he wouldn’t know it was butter. He recommended my finest plan of attack would be to see my best friend Philip. Philip whose hat I replaced. Philip whose number is 100. I don’t think of it as charity work, because we’re the best of friends.
When I got to Philip’s house his mother answered the box and said he was upstairs playing with his new dress ups. To my utter unimaginable astonishment Philip had an entire Mr Wonka play set and was in a Mr Wonka suit.
"Wow! What a fashionable coat you’re wearing, Philip!" I said with none of the astonishment missing from my tone. Philip didn’t move or say anything because he’s a light bulb. He was no help. I desperately assumed Philip’s wig might be of some help instead.
Nope, nothing.
I thought back to when I last saw butter. It was almost three days ago. Who knew I could last without butter so long. I remember I used the butter to add to mashed potatoes. Potatoes! That’s it! Raindog must know where the butter is, he used to grow potatoes when he was younger. I went straight to Raindog’s abode and blurted out “where’s the butter?!?” with such excitement Raindog grew metallic limbs and a head attached to his neck properly.
Raindog explained to me that there, in genuine fact, was butter after all. Then it hit me. He said to take a closer look. He was right! There was butter. No one stole the butter. I was just looking for the wrong thing the whole time. I was as blind as Gordon Savage to the existence of butter! Raindog saved the day yet again and I owe Raindog a lot. I don’t know when I’ll make payment, but tomorrow sounds good.
You take a closer look, there is really butter in this picture, it’s just an optical illusion and the butter is almost invisible.
The butter eventually got entirely eaten and I had to buy more.
Feb 19, 2008 1:24 pm - what is hte fish for? and this is kinda stupid but a lot of effort for this story so 5*. also how was it an optical illusion? i could see the butter in the first pic and was confused the whole story
Feb 19, 2008 1:47 pm - no vote because i dont want to vote 5 but i dont want to bring it down either...good story if i took the time to read the whole thing but some of it made me laugh
Mar 15, 2008 12:47 pm - HAAAHAHAHA!!! man oh man!! I’m gonna have to read ALL your eggs, if they’re anywhere near as funny as the last few I’ve stumbled upon! Where on earth do you come up with these stories? Is it some sort of innuendo? *5 because it’s freaking hilarious!
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