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(71 votes) Published: Feb 20, 2008 4:43 a.m. Viewed 533 times
How to get rid of lice.
The washing had been on the line for almost a week now, in hope that the light from the full moon would clean them better than the lack of washing detergent. The family was sitting on the lawn watching the clothes clean on the line in the deep of the night. Rat was wide awake waiting for Philip to doze off completely so she could shave his eyebrow and Raindog was howling with the native wolves. Uncle Toby was sitting furthest from me and was wearing Philip’s wig. Since we’d barely spoken all night I decided to move the wheelbarrow I was sitting in a bit closer and have a chinwag with uncle Toby.
As I got closer I noticed something in uncle Toby’s wig. Was it a hair clip? I don’t think so. Step by step I can to the realization it was none other than James the wig louse-screw. I took a few steps back and I guess by the look on my face uncle Toby knew something was wrong. The look in his eyes was piercing and was as if to ask “what is it?”
I fell backwards into my wheelbarrow. I don’t know how I fell backwards into it since it was in front of me. I faux-calmly walked over to Raindog and told him James was back. Raindog told me it was no surprise since James the wig louse-screw only comes at night during full moons and attacks on wigs. We both whispered to uncle Toby in unison that James the wig louse-screw was in his wig and he shouldn’t move at all. Uncle Toby promptly stopped all vital organ functions and collapsed. Philip’s wig fell off uncle Toby’s head and the wig louse-screw eggs were scattered across the lawn. Within minutes new wig louse-screws were sprouting ready to turn into wig-thirsty demon-louse-screws.
Luckily when I was interviewing Liz Mitchell for the new hat position she looked into her crystal ball and told me one way to get rid of James the wig louse-screw and any offspring that may rise if your luck is so terrible. She later told me luck doesn’t exist and she knew to tell me of James because she knew this was going to happen. She told me that bookmarks are the only way to kill the James-spawn. Especially bookmarks with cheap and nasty puns created by the school librarian who gave them out on Book Week. Luckily I had a bookmark and it happened to contain a ridiculous pun which was “READiscover”.
I held it up to the danger at hand and nothing happened! I panicked and tripped over into a bulk crate of mirrors. One of them smashed, but luckily luck doesn’t exist according to Liz Mitchell, so I couldn’t have bad luck for 7 years (because luck doesn’t exist). Once I thought about how bad the luck would be and came to the realization that luck didn’t exist so I’d be fine, it clicked in my mind that Liz had told me this for a reason. The luck, the mirrors, the wheelbarrow that was in front of me that was behind me, it was all a creative recurring motif to point me in the right direction. I grabbed a mirror and let James see his reflection. He disappeared immediately (as not seen in mirror). And his louse-screw spawn also disappeared, one by one, with a pop for each one.
I got Raindog a piece of bread to repay him for helping me find butter.
Okay, okay, it was actually an end crust and Rat stole it from Raindog and ate it all. Raindog knows it’s the thought that counts and we’re even now, though. Thanks Raindog, you’re the greatest!
Feb 20, 2008 4:49 am - Ohhhh, Weasel you bastard. Since I can’t edit the page like it says I can, that second picture of the mirror of defeat is supposed to be this slice of bread. Screw you Weasel:
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