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(21 votes) Published: Jun 07, 2008 2:08 a.m. Viewed 120 times
A theft egg on how to steal rurally
If you are an accomplished thief, noobie in the art of theft or even a bible thumpin alter-boy interested in taking up the cool criminal career of Grand Theft Auto and stiff legal repercussions. This egg is for you^
Firstly I will explain rural, this is countryside and the woods behind fuck-u-mart does not count as country for those smucks livin in a shithole so close to your neighbor you can spit on his ass from out your own window.
Rural (as it is called from now on) is way out in the middle of bumfuck no where, roads not on your shitty 3rd grade spinning globe (ß-for all those whiny 13 yr old fucks reading my egg and there MILF whore mother that bitches bout it to some goddamn government trying to shut down freedom of the internet and putting pressure on dumfucks that sound like weasels but act like pussys.)
Drive down the most ass-fucked road there is, if there is a postal office you haven’t gone far enough.
Now you’re probably wondering. Firesale, why would I be in this woody shitter?
Because there is zero activity. The chances of being busted even as a noob fuck is next-to-nothing. Even if you get caught it takes pigs at least 20 minutes to reach even on a good night.
Also everyone is asleep at night, and since this place is so desiclent lots of ppl don’t lock up there shit like barns, tool sheds. Even their houses or cars. Garages however are almost always locked. (Knowone enjoys wildlife in their shit).
Tons of escape routes!
The cons:
You are in the middle of shithole-no where, less marks including stores as you probably wont find one in a rural area and if you do its probably guarded like a hawk
Only works for 1 night in any givin area. After that its gonna be high cop territory for weeks, possibly even months. Due to bitchyness, the person uncaught and cops like sitting on there Asses in squadcars not having to do a fuckin thing.
Neighborhood watch and tons o guns.
Not knowing the area.
First you need transportation and considering what your picking up these may be useful:
A spare driver
Truck for larger items and a ramp or extra muscle power
Extra homies/firepower/extra greedy hands
Things required:
Bolt cutters
Flashlight, pref red beam flood light
Camo clothing
Food for the dog (DOG FOOD ONLY!)
Dayum fine runnin shoes
Wheelman and/or spare driver
Pig scanner
Radios
When you get out in the country find a house without lights on pref sometime between midnight-3am.
Drive down the road just out of view of the house and get out. Have your wheelman leave and remain in radio contact. The longer the range the better the leash.
You might have to cut locks off so bolt cutters are good.
Good small shit would be tools and appliances out in the shed or whatever might be stored out there, backpacks are a good idea
Large shit like mowers, motorcycles, ATVs, takes longer to get but bigger payoff. Don’t be a dumcunt and fire up the damn thing. Place in neutral. Then push it down to the road and out of view. Have your wheelman return, quickly load it up the ramp and break out.
Some ppl even leave their keys in there vehicles, usually in plain sight. It really doesn’t matter if you make noise now, its advised you creep away but if you get made you got plenty of time before the cops show up to take any escape route you wish.
Problems you might run into would be dogs; this is why you bring dog food. Don’t bring table scraps as you might run into that para-millitary fucks yard whom gots his mutt trained to bark/attack on sight. Food is considered a peace offering in the animal kingdom and might buy you a pass however some ppl train there dog to not accept people food and will destroy you if you try givin it a piece of jerky or something
Red flood beam has dual purposes. The read color doesn’t fuck up your nightvison and floodbeam is hard if not impossible to see outside that circle of light or reflection of said circle.
Yeah you can wear your ghetto gangsta pimp suit if you wish but highly suggest camos incase you get made you can get through woods without worries about rednecks with spotlights and guns. Run and hide nigga
Look out for signs, not brinks home security shit. Look out for no-tresspassing, beware of fur coats of razors and the oh so evil snitch patrol.
Most ppl wont put up these signs less there serious. The dog warning doesn’t mean the little fuck is trained probably just evil and abused. You can reason with these usually or they could have some little poodle shit that will roll over and let you rub his dick, just beware of it =D
No trespassing probably have a dog unless they’re some drunken hick with enough smarts to put one up.
Keep away more than likely no trespassing = I shoot first ask questions later.
Neighborhood watch is just a click of snitches and a shitty pussy one at that. They will call the pigs, possibly even the fuck your trying to rob but there not gonna be armed and wont be walking the street at 3am doing some fuckin stakeout.
A police scanner is handy as well as knowing the codes they call for but even if you don’t just know what street your on. If you hear any calls for that street for anything over the scanner use the radio to get your partner back and get the hell up outta there.
Cops don’t usually patrol out there, there’s a lot more crime in the city and a waste of fuckin gas, not that the cops have to pay for it but will get bitched at by superior for dickin around out in nothing for no good cause.
Less they get a tip there usually not patrollin
Get to your stash point and lay low. Congrats free shit
Notes: this WAS a joke egg, I do not suggest anyone trying this as rural fucks aren’t this stupid. Your bitch ass ho nigga ass is gonna end up dead or in jail. I purposely left out key issues to keep you outta jail or the morgue. So if you do try it your pretty much fucked. –Peace (hope RE lets me post it all)
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