Toilet Paper Dispenser Modifications
'Frustrating, isn’t it?' 
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(92 votes)
Published: Aug 22, 2008 8:59 p.m.
Viewed 821 times |
This egg was inspired by a discussion of annoying thins in the General Discussion. You have to find your inspration somewhere, I guess.
Let’s say it’s been an hour or so since your last meal, which was satisfying indeed. But the pressure’s building inside your colon. Yesterday’s meal isn’t going to stay inside much longer. You stand up and march toward the porcelain throne, unbuckling your belt along the way. A couple of farts whimper from your asshole. Time is running out.
You open the bathroom door, and are relieved it isn’t locked. Nobody has pissed or vomited on the seat. Relief is on its way!
At this time, you give birth to a seven pound joyous bundle of crap. Of course you know better than to strain; it just falls into the kiddie pool on its own. The Roto-Rooter man would shit a brick if the toilet were to clog.
So you reach for the paper. Unfortunately, the paper rips every time you pull on it. You can’t wipe with shreds of that 60 grit paper that’s on the roll! Your joy has turned to frustration.
This is unacceptable. Fortunately, you’re smarter than the average bear. You’re reading Rotteneggs.com, after all! You can modify the toilet paper holder so it stops ripping the paper.
You remove the roll of paper, and see the dispenser has two brakes on it. They squeeze the roll, causing it to rip when you pull the end. This is stupid, you realize. If someone were motivated to steal the paper, they’d simply remove the roll from the dispenser, rather than unroll it piece by piece.
But the brakes are too springy. You try to bend them, but they just snap back to their original positions. So you need to put more force on them. This requires a tool of some kind.
So you need a fulcrum, which would raise the middle of the brake, allowing room for you to bend the thing. But what can you use for a fulcrum?
I’ve got more keys in my pocket than your average janitor, and have a 1/4" wrench on the key ring with them. Ah! That’d be a nice fulcrum! If you’re female, an eyeliner pencil would do. How ’bout a ball point pen? Use your imagination!
Put the fulcrum under the brake, and prepare to bend it. Be gone, useless piece of shit!
Now, when you bend the brake, it actually holds its new position. Repeat this for all the brakes, and replace the paper.
Now, you can unroll paper without the man telling you how much paper you can take. Don’t forget to flush. |
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 | Aug 22, 2008 9:14 pm -
The cats were a nice touch.
5*. I hate those breaks. |
| Aug 22, 2008 9:15 pm -
The cats were a nice touch.
5*. I hate those *brakes. |
 | Aug 22, 2008 9:47 pm -
A nemesis defeated! Bwahahaha! Proper scroll for the throne! 5 stars! |
 | Aug 22, 2008 10:16 pm -
Good thing my shit is clean and I don’t wipe. So I’m never in this terrible situtation. |
 | A g 22, 2008 10:57 pm -
First thing I noticed was the cat’s asshole.
4* |
 | Aug 23, 2008 1:23 am -
after you remove the roll of paper from the wall fixture wouldnt the rest of it be kinda pointless? just take the roll, wipe yer ass then kick the fuck out of the fixture for pissin you off :) |
 | Aug 23, 2008 1:42 am -
I wear steel caps.
4* for your condom impersonating turd. |
 | Aug 23, 2008 8:08 am -
Quote: 3/4 of the pics wernt yours like 2 out of three cat ones wernt yours and blah blah blha 3
I don’t have any cats, so no, the cat pictures aren’t mine. I included them because cats are comical sometimes. That means the turd picture, which contains a cat, also is not mine. Notice the floor tiles, wall coverings, and toilet roll holder in the cat pictures do not match the plain white wall, vinyl flooring, and steel toilet paper holder in my picture.
The lever and fulcrum illustrations are not mine; they are hotlinked for her pleasure!
The other six pictures are very much mine, and hosted on my imageshack account.
So, there’s one thing to learn from this:
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 | Aug 23, 2008 11:41 am -
.......dumb ass black bitch......crazy thing is the turd is cuter then her,.....um good egg dude 4* |
 | Aug 23, 2008 4:16 pm - ...
5*
Nice to know you browse encyclopediadramatica, too. |
 | Aug 25, 2008 7:14 am -
5 because of the cats. |
 | Aug 26, 2008 12:05 pm -
dude 5* i hate those brakes so much |
 | Aug 26, 2008 1:54 pm -
ooooh wtf dood?!?! thats nasty |
 | Sep 02, 2008 10:16 pm -
I’ve never seen brakes like these, toilet paper is free for all where I live. |
| Sep 06, 2008 8:57 pm -
Quote: I’ve never seen brakes like these, toilet paper is free for all where I live.
Does Australia or Fiji have trees suitable for making toilet paper? |
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If you lay a key under the hinge and bend it down, you can usually make the lid close completely, keeping the remaining product inside free from things that would taint it, like my keys.