DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME : Rotteneggs.com text files and message bases are for INFORMATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY. DO NOT undertake any project based upon any information obtained from this or any other web site.We are not responsible for, nor do we assume any liability for, damages resulting from the use of any information on this site.
(55 votes) Published: Aug 30, 2008 2:25 a.m. In 3 Favorites Lists Viewed 306 times
This guide is going to help you stay alive in all sorts of tricky situations, real or imaginary. Packed in this guide are procedures that will keep you alive and fairly safe in the wildeness of the real world. This survival guide is like a fact sandwich with one slice of wholemeal reality. We’ll look at all sorts of things such as how to survive in the snow, desert and jungle conditions. We’ll talk about how to get your food from nature, and have a few funny hints (and serious ones) on how to handle combat situations.
Chapter One This section introduces you top some basic techniques to improve your overall effectivness in the wilderness. If you follow the advice in this quide carefully then you will definetly be more likely to survive, no matter what you face. Whether your’e lost in the woods near the middle of nowhere or being chased by molemenof the underground, you’ll be ready for canstant action.
Fit And Healthy Right now your about as fit and healthy as a pile of rubber bands. It doesn’t take much to be fighting fit – and if your’e an able youv’e got no excuse for not following basic fitness routines. If you want to survive the imminent nuclear apocalypse (which you probably wont, but hey) then you’ll need to be fit and dangerous.
Heres some tips
*Go jogging for 30 minutes a day, you lazy monkey
*Walk to the shops – seriously, every time you drive to the shops you get weaker, and fatter
*Start doin sit ups. When you can do 1,000 in a row you are aoutomaticly entitled to start killing people with your bare hands.(not really)
Fight To Fight,
Fight To Eat An army marches on its legs, stupid. But legs are powered by eating meat. There’s no point being a vegitarian if you want to survive, because vegitarians are weak. So eat meat every day for strength. It’s best to eat a mixture of chicken and beef, with some occasoinal fish. If you think you might not be able to get a hold meat where your’e going then take any type of jerky you can find, for instance there’s crocodile, cammal, and even fish jerky (who would of knew?) It will make you strong, also if your an alcoholic or insane it’s worth remembering that a man can live Guinness and fresh tomatoes. But eating some meat will help to. Finally, eat five items of fruit or veg and drink at least two litres of water a day. That’ll keep your guts and kidneys from getting bunged up. Do all this and you will be able to beat up Chuck Norris (actually dont try it, you WILL die)
Pack For Action If your heading out of the house or indeed, the wilderness, you should pack a basic number of tools and supplies. If you carry these at all times then you will be ready for action. You never can tell when your’e going to be abducted by the CIA for “testing” so if you have this stuff packed(perhaps gladrapped to your torso)you’ll survive even the most outragous wilderness scenarios.
Life Straw The clean water straw. Okay, this is awsome. It’s a straw thats so packed full of filters that it filters out 99% of the nasties in the water you’re drinking from and not get ill. This will stop you from getting the trots by drinking filthy water. Seriously theres no more essentail device that any person can have. Modern science really does kick ass lifestraw.com
Flint And Steel Dont just pick up any old bit of flint and steel, go buy a set from a camping shop. These kits will enable you to makes sparks at will, meaning your can frighten cavemen and make fire to keep you warm when your lost in the Siberian forests.
A Magnifying Glass Another firestarting tool that will also allow you to examine the activities of ants in more detail.
If your relying on this to start fires than remember you can only use this when there’s sufficent sun and no cloud cover.
Fishing Line This is good for all kinds of situations, fishing and trapping. More on that later.
Fishing Hooks Carefull they’ll snag you. Make sure they’re in a tough durable container, you dont one stuck half way in your hand (it’s not fun). These are essintail for the survivalist, and i’ll explain why in a later chapter. It’s not for the scemish lol.
Beef Jerky Yum. Or not
Water The more the better. In the wild you should have a litre of water for every hour your are out. Luckily you’ll have the Lifestraw to drink and refill your bottles and be fine.
Boots No man can survive without foot wear, and boots are the way of the soilder. A pair of steel caps would be good for combat as well they’ll protect your toes.
A Nice Big Overcoat The Britons have won two world wars on the quality of their military overcoats. Keep in mind be preparred to sweat a bit.
Kendal Mint Cake Look I know it’s one of the most horrid man made confectionaries in the universe , but soilders don’t eat Kit Kats (not even the chunky ones). You’ll need to keep up your blood suger level without being the laughing stock of the camp and that minty cake is the only sensible way to do it. Get some.
A First Aid Kit If nothing else it’s good to get a bandaid out when you inevitably cut your finger. Ibuprofen
is also good for head aches and pains of traveling hard over long distances. Just don’t take too many. If the kit contains salt tablets, that might help too.
Remember You’re not actually allowed to carry a Knife or a Gun on a person in Australia and Britin. So don’t. You can carry one in Russia,, America or pretty much any where far from civilisation, mind you. Out there you’ll need one- I suggest a big fold away one, the type that Rambo or Crocodile Dundee in favour are a bit inpratical.
Wear A Hat You came without a hat? Oh dear, oh dear. You can’t expect to survive anywhere without a hat. In cold climates you’ll need something to keep your head warm, and in hot climates you’ll need something thick and heavy to stop your scalp becoming human jerky (YUM!). Yes, hats are one of the most essential tools to survival-forget yours and you can expect to be doomed!
Learn To Shut Up If your going to survive in an extreme situation you need to learn to shut up. Out in the woods, shut up or you’ll be eaten by a bear. Hotage situation on a aircraft? Shut up or terrorist will pick on you. In a war zone? Shut up or there’ll be a bullet with your name on it. Remember in the movies how the guy who talks to much and gets killed. The same goes for real life.
Wilderness Survival This chapter goes into a bit more detail about how to survive out in the wild. This chapter will tell you where to sleep, and how to tell terrorists from bears. I show you how to catch food when you’re desperate, and how to light a fire. If you learn this all by heart you’ll be able to chat amiably with woodsmen, SAS veterans and hobos, because you’ll all have something in common (you wont be interested in games, you see.)
Shelter What ever the enviroment you’re in, you’ll need to find shelter. There’s one reason for this: tiredness, as the road signs remind us so frequently(and not toencourage the road services at all), kills. If you’re out in the wild and you’re very tired bears will be able to catch you and eat you easily. Likewise communists and terrorists. You can be sure slept soundly last night, so you need to do the same. Watch out where you camp: don’t set up your camp where it looks like there has been running water through there recently(you might get caught in a flash flood. Likewise, high ground exposes you to enemies, (bears,dun dun dun) wind and even the forces of lightning. Read on to learn how identify good spot.
Rockey Places Caves are everywhere, especaily in rocky terrain such as deserts of mountains. These usually make exellent shelters, but they might have bears or snakes in them. They’re also liable for flooding so make sure you look for water before you have a lie down, and investigate deep caves with a flaming branch (if you can find one). If you’re in a hot place find a shady or cool place to rest and do so out of the sun during the day. Your travel is best to be done at twilight.
Snow Building an igloo is hard work, as you’ll know if you’ve tried one. Better to biuld a snow coffin. Haha, thats sounds ominous, but it’s actually the best way to get out of the cold wind quickly. Dig a trench and then use slabs of snow, of branches off trees to constuct a shallow pitched roof. Do not use heavy rocks as they tend to fall and crush people. Once the roof is ready above the trench you can work on your sleeping space:either carve a ledge or either pile branches on the floor. Either technique will ensure that you wont be sleeping in the coldest part of the trench. Alternativlyb build a series of snow balls and then constuct a roof of snow or branches. This too will make a worthy shelter.
Woodlands Find a fa;;en tree then drape fresh green branches across the side facing the prevaling wind or rain. This will make an instant shelter from the worst of the weather, as the leaves easily mesh together to proctect you form the wind and some rain.
Jungle You’ll need to construct something off the jungle floor to sleep on, lest it be flooded. You can go with a fallen-tree bivouac as in the wood lands, but I suggest to build it around a smokey fire if you do(to keep the mozies off). In a jungle biggest problem while sleeping is being eaten by ants. Try no to be.
Fishing For Birds Look, I know I dont want to be cruel to animals, least all of the pretty birds, but when you’re in trouble out in the wilderness this is a great way to find food. Anyway, remember I said carry fish hooks? Well this is one of the reasons why – to catch birds to eat. You do it like this: watch birds, esspecailly seed eating ones, and see where they eat. Then attach a fishing hook to some line and hook into the seeds the’re eating – preferably on the ground. Eventually the birds the start pecking at the seeds and get snagged. Make sure you tie the other end of the line to something, though. Birds are good eating once caught, and most herbivore ones will taste pretty good once cooked.
Eat Worms And/Or Snails you might be tempted to think that worms and snails should be the last things to eat when your in a survival situation, but you’ld be wrong. These little buggers are really easy to collect, and conserving your energy is high on your list as a key to survival. If you’re out of real food then these little guy represent high protien packets of nutrition. Worms should be chooped up and be washed to remove and stuff, while you need to remove the snails gut and shell and then boil for five minutes.
Eat Stinging Nettles Stinging nettles represent something of a trick, but once they’re cooked they’re highly nutritious. You can either boil them for fithteen minutes to get rid of the stings, or just hold over an open fire until they wilt – if you’re brave. Try not to get stung while you collect the leaves, allthough a sting is good for joint aches and pains – it’s the same kind of chemical they use to treat rheumatism.
Eat Bees Of cousre, if you come across bees you could also follow them to their hive and eat their honey, but with out the proper protective gear it can be very dangerous(especaally if you’re allergic to the stings). Anyway, if you can catch some bees they make good eating. Remove their stinger(carefully squeeze it out of the end of the abdomen) and then roast the bees over a fire until they crackle. Mn, tasty bees. Eating bees is also good for group situations because you can scream “Oh god, not the bees!) to everyones amusement. Don’t do that too often or you’ll be shunned “The boy who cried bees”. Don’t eat wasps, ever.
Eat Ants Allmost all ants are edible. However, allmost all ants have an acidic bite, and that means they’re full of nastiness that coud mak you vey ill. To eat ants you must boil them for five minutes. Once boiled they are good to go but there aren’t very tasty.
Light A Fire Getting a fire started is one of the toughest chanllenges you’ll face in the wil. However, it’s also one of the most vital things you need to survive in the wild, be it in a jungle, desert or one of the wastes of one of the poles.
YOU’LL NEED THREE THINGS
Dry Sticks – to buld a fire
Dry Kindling – catch a flame
A Source Of Ignition – to make a flame
Dry kindling can take the form of dry bits of bark, crunched up dry leaves, paper, or anything else that is broken up and can catch fire easily. Ignition should be the easy part if you have matches, flint and steel or (in the sunshine, someones thick glasses will do). If you dont have any of these things then you’ll need a straight dry stick. Cut an inche groove, about a foot long, in the straight piece of wood. Put it on the ground near your ready built fire, and have kindling heaped on the far end. Then start rubbing the stick along the groove, back and forth (LOLZE)until it gets very hot. Keep going until it’s smoking and the kindling catches. This Is Extremly Hard Work, and proably isn’t worth doing if you’re exhausted. None of this will work if it’s raining (sorry to rain on your parade)
This is only the fist part of two survial guide eggs that im making. Sorry that I couldn’t get any pics, also im sorry if it’s a bit long and boring.
P.S. The next one will be in in about a week or so.
[b]
Eat Stinging Nettles
Stinging nettles represent something of a trick, but once they’re cooked they’re highly nutritious. You can either boil them for fithteen minutes to get rid of the stings, or just hold over an open fire until they wilt – if you’re brave. Try not to get stung while you collect the leaves, allthough a sting is good for joint aches and pains – it’s the same kind of chemical they use to treat rheumatism.
Aug 31, 2008 5:20 pm - I gave you a five wthout reading the comments but I’m sorry to find out its C/P. Its really good and that lifestraw thing looks pretty amazing. I guess my five stands because its too late to change but even if it is C/P, its still good information.
ep 01, 2008 7:12 am - ELECTRICJELLY, yes you did type it out, but it’s not your idea or your wording, so you did "copy" it. Not in the usual sense of using your computer mouse, but you copied it just the same.
If a secretary copied the boss’s notes does it make it the secretary’s work? Of course not. Same concept applies here.
Now if you had taken the survival idea and tweaked it and showed us how you might do a survival guide, well maybe. But this is someone else’s hard work of collecting information and making a sensible presentation out of it. Just because you re-type it does not give you rights to ownership.
This information is not only in a book, it is freely available right here on the web. An egg should be something that you have tried and have knowledge about, maybe something no one else has tried the way you have and your experience with it would be the new factor making it original. That would mean it was something that could be found only here on RottenEggs and only by you ELECTRICJELLY. Understand?
There’ got to be something out there that you’ve done that you might do a bit differently from everyone else. That’s the type of thing to make eggs on, not someone else’s stuff that we can already find on the web or in a book.
Good luck on your next egg. I’m sure you’ll do better.
Sep 04, 2008 3:36 pm - ... I’m revising my vote to a zero.
BTW, Lifestraw sucks ass. Its hard as hell to suck through them, and the filter constantly needs to be replaced. Just boil your water.
Edit Page
Message ELECTRICJELLY
Add Comment
Add to Favorites
Email to Friend
