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(78 votes) Published: Jun 30, 2009 9:31 p.m. In 4 Favorites Lists Viewed 457 times
The ABC’s of Anger Management
This is also called the Rational Management of Anger Technique and it goes like this:
A->B->C
A=Action from another person
B=Your belief structure as it interprets the action of the other person
C=Consequence (or your reaction, based upon what you believe)
Example:
Let’s say Joe calls you a dick (A=Action)
Suppose your belief system says he must be horribly punished because he disrespected you (B=Belief)
Let’s say you punch him in the face (C=Consequence)
This is Joe
As a result you go to jail.
The goal is to change the consequence to something that helps you rather than hurts you.
THERE ARE TWO BELIEFS YOU MUST POSSESS: You cannot control other people’s behavior.
You need to change the current outcome of your reactions to something less harmful to yourself.
The solution is to change your belief structure. It’s like reprogramming your brain.
Instead of believing Bob should be punished, you could instead believe he is a laughable idiot. You could laugh inside at him and go on with your day. After all, he is puny and insignificant compared to you. You don’t go around proving to ants that you could crush them if you wanted to, right?
We all have belief structures and ideas we’ve accumulated over time. Some of these beliefs and ideas we hold are detrimental to us. Therefore, we must change them. It takes about one month of practice to be able to do this as a reaction rather than as a thought process so don’t give up on it right away.
When you get angry there are tell tale signs. Perhaps you feel a sensation in the pit of your stomach or maybe you feel your blood boiling. For others it might be shaking, urges to punch things, an urge to stick a gun in your mouth (some people self inflict their anger towards others).
Think about what the anger signs are for you. When you feel these signs, take a moment and think about
1. What did the person just do that upset me?
2. What is my current belief? Do I think they should be punched in the face? Am I seriously considering it?
Be honest with yourself. Maybe your girlfriend said she didn’t want to hang out tonight. Maybe you think that is the first sign of the end of the relationship. Maybe you think that is the end of the world. If so, it’s time to reprogram your thinking and have thoughts like: I will be ok no matter what. People have a right to private space. I don’t always get what I want and that is ok.
It sounds corny but it works.
ANGER IS A SECONDARY EMOTION Anger is a response to humiliation, fear, resentment, etc. It is not a primary emotion. It helps to isolate the primary emotion and address it. Often people develop anger issues when their other feelings are not respected or need to be hidden. At least be honest with yourself and address the underlying emotion.
For example, maybe you feel out of control in a situation and that is scary. Figure out how you can get control of the situation. For example, you are at a party and your ride decides to stay later than you can stay out. Rather than getting mad at your friend, see if you can get another ride. Next time, don’t depend on that friend.
ANGER IS FUEL TO PROPEL YOU FROM A BAD SITUATION Anger is there for a reason. It’s a great propellant away from things harmful to you. I’ve been angry at credit card companies and as a result, I have gotten rid of all of my credit card debt. I’ve resolved myself to never have it again, no matter how tempting it looks. I never have to interact with them again.
AVOIDING A BAD SITUATION SHOULD BE THE MOST USED TOOL IN YOUR TOOLBOX It’s ok to walk away from a situation to cool off and think. Even if it’s heated. If you’re in the middle of an argument it’s ok to tell the other person you will discuss it with them later. Don’t let anyone push you into a discussion until you have your emotions under control. In abusive relationships, the agressor often feels he/she cannot take time to assess their emotions and that a decision is urgently needed. THIS IS A LIE. You can always take time out.
DON’T GIVE UP This takes at least a month to get your brain reprogrammed. Sometimes longer. If you have a big blow up, forgive yourself, learn from it and keep trying.
Good luck all. Hope this helps some of you. I promise if you stick with it, you’ll see an improvement.
Jun 30, 2009 9:46 pm - Definitely going to remember this. It will get your mind off of it too by thinking of the consequences, which will help you cool down.
Jul 01, 2009 4:18 pm - or you can say to yourself are you gonna let joe call you a dick and let him get the joy out of you reacting to? or are you gonna ignore it and go on with life? 5*
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