Get a vasectomy; you won’t regret it.
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Power Egg
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| Posted: Mar 22, 2008 6:21 a.m. - Subject: Get a vasectomy; you won’t regret it. |
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I’ll try to sum up a funny story that happened a few years ago:
I got a vasectomy.
I met a girl soon afterwards. She was nice and attractive but with a selfish streak that raised a big red flag. She was 32 at the time and I could practically HEAR her biological clock ticking. Regardless, she was a good lay, easy on the eyes, and reasonably good company.
I did NOT tell her about my vasectomy and I always used a condom with her to protect against STDs. She assumed, obviously, that the condom was only used for birth control. Silly girl.
We date for a few months. I never made any move towards commitment but she brought it up ocassionally. For me, this was a casual but pleasant relationship. For her - as I was to find out - it was part of life-changing series of events that she was planning very carefully.
Four months into dating, I get the "I’m pregnant" talk. She’s going on and on about how the condom must have broke and now we really need to think about getting married "for the baby". She’s positively giddy. She has a baby in her and she thinks she’s gonna have a good meal ticket (me) to go along with her new 7lb annuity.
At this point, I’m just as giddy. I get to pull the reverse "oops" on her. I figured that she slept with some bad boy and got knocked up. Good thing I was using condoms! Better still that I have a serious mistrust of women who can’t think beyond their own uteri.
So I wait a couple of days to "think about all this." I meet her again. I say I don’t want kids and that she should have an abortion. I know where this is going and sure enough it goes there. She goes completely batshit insane on me. There were the usual insults about my manhood. There were threats of legal action. It was all very ugly and I was loving every minute of it.
Well, I let her stew for a few days. She leaves me nasty messages on my phone. She sends awful emails. I’m laughing hysterically.
It was time to drop the hammer. While she was stewing I was busy. First I get a notarized copy from the urologist who performed the vasectomy. Next I get a notarized copy of the TWO test results indicating a "negative test result for sperm" to show I’m sterile and shooting blanks. Finally, I get a letter from a shark attorney stating he has seen the other documents and is prepared to litigate against this woman if she continues to communicate with me in such an unpleasant manner. Also, the letter states that we will insist on DNA testing to show that the baby is not mine. I’m ready.
I meet with this woman at her place. I bring flowers and a small bit of jewelry to show I am willing to reconcile and assume my responsibilities as a new father. I also have stuck in my pocket the documents I have prepared.
She’s all giddy again. Her plan is going perfectly - or so she thinks. We talk about our future. We have some pretty good sex. Then, as I am about to walk out the door, I ask her the $64,000 question. "Are you sure that this baby is mine?"
Well, she goes batshit insane again. Hell, she ought to. Her plan could completely unravel if there is ANY question about my paternity. Oh, she’s really screaming now. How dare I question her morals. Do I think she’s a slut. I’m just trying to weasel out of my responsibilities... blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda.
I’m not really mad. I’m kind of embarrassed for her. But since she won’t shut up and the neighbors can hear all of this, I ask her to step back inside and sit down. She sits on the sofa and calms down a bit. She is glaring at me with all the moral self-righteousness that only a woman can muster up. She thinks she has me trapped. She is 100% convinced her plan has worked. Oh, the tangled web of lies and deceit she has wrought around herself and I am about to hack through them with a few pieces of paper.
I reach into my pocket slowly. I extract the three pieces of paper and unfold them slowly and deliberately.
I tell her simply, "You’re screwed".
Her look doesn’t change. There is no way she can fathom what I have prepared.
I continue. "I am sterile"
Her look changes just a bit. Something is beginning to sink in. Naturally, she reverts to women’s logic. "You’re full of shit. You’re trapped and you know it."
I hold up the letter and the test results. "Three months before we met, I had a vasectomy. Here is a notarized letter from him stating what I had done. Here are two test results showing that I tested negative for the presence of sperm. Blanks. I am shooting blanks. That baby inside you is simply not mine."
This woman is not to be swayed by logic and clear documentation. "Bullshit, those are fakes."
I was ready for that. "No, they are real. This last piece of paper is from my attorney. It’s a simple letter to you that states if you pursue any kind of legal action against me for child support that I will insist on a DNA test to prove paternity, that is, to prove that your baby is not mine."
I give the woman all the documents. She reads them slowly, deliberately. With each passing second she can feel in her soul that she has made a very bad mistake. With denial swept away, she started to cry. It’s a small cry at first. Then it becomes deeper and more painful. By the time she gets to the letter from the lawyer she is sobbing.
I had no sympathy for her. I turned and walked out the door. Even after I closed the door I could still hear her sobbing.
Epilogue -
I never heard directly from this woman again. I did hear through my friends that she did indeed have the baby. I also heard that the real father was some guy in a band she had met. I assumed that after 30, women stopped going after musicians, bikers, criminals, and thugs. Silly me for thinking the best of American women.
The Moral of the Story -
Get a vasectomy but keep it a secret.
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Normal Egg
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AIM YIM
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| Posted: Mar 22, 2008 6:27 a.m. - Subject: |
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"Get a vasectomy; you won’t regret it"
That would look great on a T-shirt.
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Power Egg
Member Lvl: 24
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| Posted: Mar 22, 2008 6:54 a.m. - Subject: |
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Good story, I read it all.
I might want to have kids some day, so in future I might wear 2 condoms.
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Normal Egg
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| Posted: Mar 22, 2008 7:14 a.m. - Subject: |
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I think theres some stupid law here that you have to have a child first. I’m not sure how true this is though.
fucking awesome story though. I lol’ed
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Normal Egg
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| Posted: Mar 22, 2008 7:16 a.m. - Subject: |
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hey guys just remember that not all girls are like this. i have been raising my daughter since she was born by myself. her father and i split when she was three months old. i didnt try to convince anyone else to take care of my child. i enjoy being a single mom. i have a lot of family support and am thankful of that. i just wanted to tell all you guys that not all women are the same way as her. yes there are many that are that way, because they are selfish little bitchs who dont know how to do anything for themselfs so they try to simply "trap" a man becuz they are too lazy to take care of shit on there own
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Power Egg
Member Lvl: 24
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| Posted: Mar 22, 2008 7:30 a.m. - Subject: |
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Some mother you are if you are a self claimed fan of someone called "GrandMastaTheif"
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Power Egg
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| Posted: Mar 22, 2008 7:42 a.m. - Subject: |
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Quote: I think theres some stupid law here that you have to have a child first.
Some doctors will not perform a vasectomy on anyone who has no children, but others will. It’s up to the doctor, unless such a stupid law exists. And if that’s the case, travel somewhere else and have the operation done there.
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'Happy Face'
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| Posted: Mar 22, 2008 7:56 a.m. - Subject: |
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vasectomys can come undone though, it does happen
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Normal Egg
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| Posted: Mar 22, 2008 8:05 a.m. - Subject: |
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yeah, mine did...
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Normal Egg
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| Posted: Mar 22, 2008 8:51 a.m. - Subject: |
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so stealing makes me a bad mom? wow.... i dont steal if my child is with me. that would be simply retarded i dont want her to think its okay. plus i havent stolen anything in like 6 months. and who are u to say what kind of a mother i am? do u know me personally?
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Normal Egg
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| Posted: Mar 22, 2008 10:50 a.m. - Subject: |
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that was the first online long read I ever read in a while......rly good
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Power Egg
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| Posted: Mar 22, 2008 11:03 a.m. - Subject: |
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Don’t know you personally but almost every single egg you have is copied.
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Normal Egg
Member Lvl: 7
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| Posted: Mar 22, 2008 12:42 p.m. - Subject: |
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^^ The Dawgs eggs are copied? Not likely Geoff. You’ll need some proof of your retarded statement.
This could have been a great egg, I would have 5’d it! Someone should sticky this!
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BLOCKED, EXPIRES Jul 23, 2008
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| Posted: Mar 22, 2008 12:57 p.m. - Subject: |
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Well, I lol’d.
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Power Egg
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| Posted: Mar 22, 2008 1:16 p.m. - Subject: |
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Amazing story it made me laugh.
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Power Egg
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| Posted: Mar 22, 2008 1:50 p.m. - Subject: |
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Quote: vasectomys can come undone though, it does happen
The odds of both the vasectomy and the condom failing are in favor of H-Dogg.
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Power Egg
Member Lvl: 17
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| Posted: Mar 22, 2008 2:13 p.m. - Subject: |
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Well many of her eggs are copied.
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Power Egg
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AIM YIM
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| Posted: Mar 22, 2008 2:46 p.m. - Subject: |
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Haha awesome story. I usually reframe from long reads, but it kept me interested so I kept reading.
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Normal Egg
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AIM
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| Posted: Mar 22, 2008 4:20 p.m. - Subject: |
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http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/274495936.html
http://www.rooshv.com/2007/vasectomy-man-serves-up-gigantic-ownage
cp?
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Power Egg
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| Posted: Mar 23, 2008 6:52 a.m. - Subject: |
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It’s a copy paste, Iv’e seen it many times before.
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