Talk about anything under the sun, unless it’s against the rules. You must have a member level of 3 or greater to post new topics here and a level of 3 to post replies.
Master Egg
Member Lvl: 35
Egg Points: 588814
Posts: 3847
Posted: Jun 29, 2008 10:48 p.m. - Subject:
Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son. The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?" The doctor replies, "I’d wait until he’s at least 14."
Q: What did the deaf, dumb and blind kid get for Christmas?
A: Cancer.
Q: Do you know what a Jewish dilemma is?
A: Free ham.
Q: Why do women take longer than men to reach orgasm?
A: Who cares?
Q: How do you know when it’s time to wash dishes and clean the house?
A: Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it’s not time.
Q: What is the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
A: You can’t fit a sorority girl inside a bowling ball.
Q: Why are there so many homes for battered women?
A: Because they just don’t fucking listen!!
Q: What’s the difference between a paycheck and a penis?
A: You don’t have to beg your girlfriend to blow your paycheck.
Q: Why do Japanese Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
A: So you can tell them apart from feminists.
Q: Why do doctors spank babies when they are born?
what do you call a group of white people having sex?
a family reunion
What does one call a German virgin?
Goodentight
How do you get a dog to quit humping your leg?
Pick him up and suck his dick.
A guy was riding his camel in the desert and he had the urge to have sex but there was no woman around so he tried to have sex with the camel but the camel ran from him , he soon caught up to it and tried another several times but the camel kept on running away so he gave up. About 20 minutes later the man came across 3 beautifal woman standing next to a broken down car , one of the woman said if you fix our car we will do anything to repay you and seeing that he new quite a bit about cars he agreed to do it , when he finished the woman asked what they can do for him , he asked if they could hold his camel for him.
hat do you say to a girl with no arms and no legs?
- Nice tits!!
The Priest not knowing much about fishing has no idea what species he has caught. A local fisherman sees the event unfold and rows over to the priest.
"Jesus Christ! Thats a huge fucker!" says the fisherman.
The shocked Priest replies "How dare you use the lords name in vain and spout such prophanities!"
Thinking quickly the fisherman replies "Sorry father, didn’t mean any disrespect, but the species of fish you have just caught there is called a fucker."
The Priest is a little suprised by this but after many reasurances from the fisherman is convinced that the species is called a fucker. Apon arriving back at the church the Preist rather proudly takes the fish to show to the Archbishop and to get him to gut and skin the fish.
"Have a look at the fucker i have caught Archbishop. Can you skin and gut this fucker for me?"
Agast the Archbishop responds "Never have i heard such language from a member of the clergy!"
After many reassurances the Priest convinces the Archbishop that the species is infact called a fucker and the Archbishop skins and guts the fish.
The archbishop then gets an idea. "We should take this fucker to the Mother Superior so she can cook this fucker."
So the Priest and the Archbishop take the fish to the Mother Superior.
"Mother Superior," says the Priest "I have caught this fucker. and the Archbishop has skinned and gutted this fucker, can you please cook this fucker?"
Again agast the Mother Superior responds "Oh my Lord! Never have I thought that i would see the day when i would here such language come from the mouths of members of this church!"
Again after many reassurances the Priest and the Archbishop convince the Mother Superior that fucker is the name of the species.
The Mother Superior having calmed down then remembers that the Pope is coming to the church for dinner that night.
"Since you have caught this fucker, and you," turning towards the Archbishop "have skinned and gutted this fucker, i shall cook this fucker for the holyiness the Pope for dinner tonight."
And so the Mother Superior cooks the fish and later that night serves the fish to the Pope. After the meal the Pope is utterly impressed by the fish and asks where it came from.
"Well," says the Priest "I caught the fucker".
The Archbishop then chimes in "And I skinned and gutted the fucker".
Finally the Mother Superior say "And i cooked the fucker".
The Pope looks long and hard at the three. After a time he pulls out a pipe, lights it up, leans back in his chair and puts his feet up on the table looking utterly relaxed.
"You know," says the Pope "You cunts are alright".
Q: What does god say every time a black person is born
A: Fuck i burnt another
There is an apartment with three families living in it.The black family lives at the top,the white family lives in the middle and the Mexican family lives at the bottom.One day the apartment was hit by a tornado,which family survived?
The white family because they were all at work.
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
She couldn’t say anything...she was choking.
Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says, "Doc, I’m getting married this weekend and my fiancée thinks I’m a virgin. Is there anything you can do to help me?" The doctor says, "Medically, no, but here’s something you can try. On the wedding night, when you’re getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh. When your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it’s your virginity snapping." The woman loves this idea and knows her hubby to be will fall for this. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man. Things begin to progress, her hubby "slips it in" and she snaps the elastic band. The hubby asks, "What the heck was that? The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping." The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it’s got my balls!"
white man is standing in the delivery room waiting on his wife giving birth.
The midwife walks in carrying a black baby and asks,’ Is this yours? ’
’ Probably, ’ says the man, ’ she fucking burns everything. ’
A man sees a fine looking woman at a bar. He steps over to her an says, "Hey baby, let me suck on your nipples."
She says, "Watch it buddy, I’ll have my boyfriend kick your ass."
He laughs and says, "Alright, why don’t I just give you a big sloppy kiss then."
She says, "Listen, if you say one more thing to me, I will have my man kill you."
"This is my final offer", he says, "I’ll hold you upside-down, pour beer into your pussy, and drink from your cunt."
She gets up, walks over to her boyfriend, tells him this guy said he was going to lick her tits.
He yells, "I’ll kill him!"
She then tells him he was going to kiss her. By now he’s pissed and starts walking in his direction.
She says, "Wait! He also said he would hang me by my ankles, pour beer down my twat, and drink from me!"
Her boy friend stops and say’s "Sorry babe, I can’t fuck with anyone who can drink that much beer."
A young lady went to the doctor for a physical. Afterwards, the doctor said, "You’re in perfect health, except for those abrasions on your knees." The woman said, "Oh, those are carpet burns from having sex doggie-style." The doctor said, "Don’t you know any other positions?" and she said, "Yes, but my dog doesn’t."
Master Egg
Member Lvl: 30
Egg Points: 362253
Posts: 4194
Posted: Jun 30, 2008 11:52 p.m. - Subject:
OK, so a girl walks in on her mother in the shower and points to her boobs and asks ’What are those?’ the mother replies with ’Breasts’ the girl then asks ’When do i get those?’ to which the mother replies ’when you are older’...about a half hour later, the girl walks in on her father in the shower and points to his PENIS and asks ’Daddy whats that?’ and he then responds with ’This is a PENIS, dear’ The girl asks then ’When do i get one of those’ the father smiles and says ’When your mother leaves for work’.
what do you do to a deaf mute after you rape her?
break her fingers so she cant tell her mom
So a horse walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, "Why the long face?" And the horse replies, "I have cancer." And the bartender says, "Oh God, I’m so sorry."
So a man’s wife left for a business trip leaving him, the mother-in-law and the cat. The next day his wife called and ask "did you feed the cat already?". To which he replied "it’s dead". The wife feeling frustrated tells her husband "don’t be so cold about it, you could tell me like oh it slipped off from the room and fell into the traffic or something". She continued "well how’s mother?" To which he replied "she’s sitting on the roof".
So there’s this farmer that’s really having a hard time keeping up with all the work he has to do. A scientist comes and helps him out by inventing these wonderful, chrome robots. They do all of his work for the entire day in about 10 minutes! Unfortunately the farmer’s field is next to the freeway and the glare was making it hard for people to drive. So he painted them all black and only two of them showed up the next day.
What’s the difference between Madeline McCann and Madeline McCann jokes?
The jokes will get old.
Q: Whats the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A: One makes your whole day, and the other makes your hole weak.
What do you call 300 Aboriginals at the bottom of a lake?
a good start
Why are petrol prices on the rise?
so is the aboriginal population
What did the aboriginal say when he first got laid?
get off dad your crushin ma smokes.
What do you call 12 Aboriginals up to their necks in sand?
not enough sand. (or soccer practice)
I got sick of that abo kid hanging out on my front lawn.
so i hung him out the back instead
Whats purple and mows my front lawn?
My Nigger. I’ll paint him whatever colour i want.
How do you make a baby float?
Take your foot off its head.
Whats funnier than nailing 12 babies to a tree?
nailing one baby to 12 trees.
Whats the difference between a pile of dead babies and ferrari?
i dont have a ferrari in my garage
What’s the best thing about having sex with twenty-five year olds?
There’s twenty of them.
how many men does it take to change a lightglobe?
who cares the bitch can cook in the dark
What’s the difference between a pizza and a Jew?
Pizzas don’t scream when you stick em in the oven.
What do you do when you see an epileptic in a bath tub?
Throw your washing in.
Why aren’t mechanics and sex ed taught on the same day in afghanistan?
The camel gets tired.
whats the difference between acne and a catholic priest?
acne doesnt leave goo on your face till you’re a teenager
Theres 2 abos and a samoan in a car, whos driving?
the cops
what do you call 2 abos in a car going off a cliff?
waste of space, you can fit 3 more
Why do black people have white hands?
Everyone has some good in them.
Why does Stevie Wonder always smile?
He doesn’t know he’s black.
Why shouldn’t you throw rocks at cars with Niggers driving them?
It could be your car.
What would you call the flintstones if they were black?
Niggers.
How do you get 30 niggers into a Volkswagon?
Throw in a welfare check.
What happens when a Jew with an errection walks into a wall?
He breaks his nose.
What do you call alot of black people running in the same direction?
Jailbreak.
How do you kill the population of Ethiopia?
Throw a Cornflake off a cliff.
what’s the difference between an aboriginal and a park bench?
park bench can support a family
what do you call 1 black person on the moon? a problem
what do you call 2 black people on the moon? still a problem
what do you call all the black people on the moon? problem solved
what do an aboriginal and a slinky have in common?
both completely useless but hilarious when pushed down stairs
what are 3 things an aboriginal can’t get?
a black eye, a fat lip and a job
just to tell you all im not racist, because racism is a crime...
and crimes are for black people
why dont women need cars?
because they only need to get from the bedroom to the kitchen
why dont women need watches?
because the clocks above the stove
why are women’s feet smaller?
so they can stand closer to the stove
how many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
none, women can’t change anything
what do you call a black man in a suit?
the defendent.
whats the usless part of skin round the vagina called,
the woman
what shouild a women wear out the most,
the carpet between the kitchen and laundry.
I figured that would be the one that got to some people. It usually does if I tell that one to groups of people. I don’t usually endorse it, but sometimes I just feel like telling people, epsecially when they’re trying to out-do people with their jokes.
