Talk about everything under the sun. Unless it’s against the rules. You must have a member level of 3 or greater to post new topics here and a level of 3 to post replies.
Normal Egg
Member Lvl: 4
Egg Points: 1308
Posts: 70
Posted: Aug 23, 2008 1:16 a.m. - Subject: absolutly VILE jokes
I want to hear everyones favorite most horribly vile offensive sick jokes. the jokes you couldnt tell on the most nastyest of job sites.
racial, national tragedy, sexist, anti-military filthy jokes. keep in mind the rules (so no porn images?) to appease our overlord tyrant masters
and yes C/P IS allowed, this is favorite jokes, not nessicarly your original jokes.
Q What are skyscrapers for?
A Target practice
Q How long does it take to reach the ground from the top of TWC?
A Rest of your life.
Q What’s the biggest difference between 9/11 and the Oklahoma City Bombing?
A Foreigners once again prove they can do it better and more efficiently.
Q a mexican, asain, and black are in a car, whos driving?
A The cop.
3 ez steps to evading police.
1. throw them a donut
2. kick em in balls
3. run
Q what do you call gods punishment to milliary personell?
A I.E.D
Q What is a mile long, black and smells like shit?
A line at the welfare office
Q How do you know if asians are moving in?
A mexicans decide to buy car insurance
Q how do you know if you run across an illegal alein?
A ....Kay?
all i really have for now, looking for much better, attack anything your not allowed to attack, katrina, blacks, aids, cancer, millitary, police, barack obama, anything. just make it highly offensive as in you would get punched in the face if you said it to the audience your making fun of
Master Egg
Member Lvl: 43
Egg Points: 2168310
Posts: 4347
Posted: Aug 23, 2008 1:41 a.m. - Subject:
Q: What’s the difference between jelly and jam?
A: I can’t jelly my cock in your ass.
Q: What’s the difference between Tiger Woods and Princess Diana?
A: Tiger has a good driver.
Q: Whats the difference between a baby and a cheesburger.
A: I don’t fuck the cheeseburger before I eat it.
Who are the fastest readers in the US?
New Yorkers, because they can go through 110 stories in less than 10 seconds.
Q. Whats the difference between tires and niggers.
A. Tires don’t sing when you put chains on them.
What’s funnier then a dead baby?
A dead baby in a clown costume.
Why do you stick a baby in the blender feet first?
So you can see the expression on its face!
What’s the difference between a Nigger and a Pizza?
A Pizza can feed a family of four.
Q: Why’d the little girl fall out of the swing.
A: Cause she didn’t have any arms.
Q: Whats the difference between a pizza and a Jew?
A: God loves Pizza!
Q: What do you call 5 black people on the moon?
A: Problem.
Q: What do you call 80 black people on the moon?
A: Problem.
Q: What do you call all the black people on the moon?
A: Problem solved.
Q How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A None, they can’t change anything.
Why did Helen Kellar’s daughter change her name?
You’d change it too if it were fggggnngreert.
What’s the difference between a Nigger and a table?
A table can support a family of four.
Q: Why can’t Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles read?
A: Because they’re niggers.
How is a baby like a grape?
A: They both give a little wine when you squish them.
Three vampires walk into a bar.
The first orders blood on the rocks,
The second asks for a cup of iced blood,
and the third asks for a mug and some hot water.
Striking conversation, the bartender asks the third vampire why she just wants some hot water, to which she replies "I’m making tea" and pulls out a tampon.
What is the difference between a dead baby and a Styrofoam cup?
A: A dead baby doesn’t harm the atmosphere when you burn it.
Why didn’t the girl with no arms fall off the swing?
Because she was sitting on her daddy’s lap
What is the difference between a watermelon and a baby?
A: One’s fun to hit with a hammer, the other is a watermelon
What’s the worst thing about being a pedophile?
You just don’t fit in.
So theres a Man driving a delivery Truck full of bowling balls to the local Alley, and he sees a black kid on the side of the road, and his bike with a flat tire. He asks the kid if he needs a ride, kid says yes, and the driver tells the kid to jump in the back. Kid jumps in, and the driver keeps going, until, he gets pulled over by a cop. Cop walks up to the Driver, asks to see what hes hauling, driver agrees. Cop walks to the back of the truck, looks inside, and jumps back, then runs to the Driver’s side again. Driver asks whats wrong, and the cop replies "This trucks’ full of nigger eggs, and ones already hatched and stolen a bike!"
Q: Why was six afraid of seven?
A: Because seven was a nigger.
Q: Why do black people only have nightmares?
A: We killed the only one with a dream
Q: Whats the difference between a pair of jeans and a Ethiopian?
A: A pair of jeans only has one fly on it.
The NFL is considering changing the official color of the football to green. Those niggers won’t drop a watermelon.
Why are niggers hands and feet white?
Because there’s a little bit of good in everybody.
what would princess Diana be doing if she was still alive?
She’d be scratching the coffin.
Why are cellphones and Princess diana alike?
Both die in tunnels.
-what is yellow and mows my lawn
-I can paint my nigger any color I want
Why didn’t Jesus like M&Ms?
They always fell through the holes in his hands.
Q What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
A Nothin’, you already told her twice
Q: Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
A: She wasn’t wearing her seatbelt
OK, so a girl walks in on her mother in the shower and points to her boobs and asks ’What are those?’ the mother replies with ’Breasts’ the girl then asks ’When do i get those?’ to which the mother replies ’when you are older’...about a half hour later, the girl walks in on her father in the shower and points to his PENIS and asks ’Daddy whats that?’ and he then responds with ’This is a PENIS, dear’ The girl asks then ’When do i get one of those’ the father smiles and says ’When your mother leaves for work’.
what do you do to a deaf mute after you rape her?
break her fingers so she cant tell her mom
So a horse walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, "Why the long face?" And the horse replies, "I have cancer." And the bartender says, "Oh God, I’m so sorry."
So a man’s wife left for a business trip leaving him, the mother-in-law and the cat. The next day his wife called and ask "did you feed the cat already?". To which he replied "it’s dead". The wife feeling frustrated tells her husband "don’t be so cold about it, you could tell me like oh it slipped off from the room and fell into the traffic or something". She continued "well how’s mother?" To which he replied "she’s sitting on the roof".
So there’s this farmer that’s really having a hard time keeping up with all the work he has to do. A scientist comes and helps him out by inventing these wonderful, chrome robots. They do all of his work for the entire day in about 10 minutes! Unfortunately the farmer’s field is next to the freeway and the glare was making it hard for people to drive. So he painted them all black and only two of them showed up the next day.
What’s the difference between Madeline McCann and Madeline McCann jokes?
The jokes will get old.
Q: Whats the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A: One makes your whole day, and the other makes your hole weak.
What do you call 300 Aboriginals at the bottom of a lake?
a good start
Why are petrol prices on the rise?
so is the aboriginal population
What did the aboriginal say when he first got laid?
get off dad your crushin ma smokes.
What do you call 12 Aboriginals up to their necks in sand?
not enough sand. (or soccer practice)
I got sick of that abo kid hanging out on my front lawn.
so i hung him out the back instead
Whats purple and mows my front lawn?
My Nigger. I’ll paint him whatever colour i want.
How do you make a baby float?
Take your foot off its head.
Whats funnier than nailing 12 babies to a tree?
nailing one baby to 12 trees.
Whats the difference between a pile of dead babies and ferrari?
i dont have a ferrari in my garage
What’s the best thing about having sex with twenty-five year olds?
There’s twenty of them.
how many men does it take to change a lightglobe?
who cares the bitch can cook in the dark
What’s the difference between a pizza and a Jew?
Pizzas don’t scream when you stick em in the oven.
What do you do when you see an epileptic in a bath tub?
Throw your washing in.
Why aren’t mechanics and sex ed taught on the same day in afghanistan?
The camel gets tired.
whats the difference between acne and a catholic priest?
acne doesnt leave goo on your face till you’re a teenager
Theres 2 abos and a samoan in a car, whos driving?
the cops
what do you call 2 abos in a car going off a cliff?
waste of space, you can fit 3 more
Why do black people have white hands?
Everyone has some good in them.
Why does Stevie Wonder always smile?
He doesn’t know he’s black.
Why shouldn’t you throw rocks at cars with Niggers driving them?
It could be your car.
What would you call the flintstones if they were black?
Niggers.
How do you get 30 niggers into a Volkswagon?
Throw in a welfare check.
What happens when a Jew with an errection walks into a wall?
He breaks his nose.
What do you call alot of black people running in the same direction?
Jailbreak.
How do you kill the population of Ethiopia?
Throw a Cornflake off a cliff.
what’s the difference between an aboriginal and a park bench?
park bench can support a family
what do you call 1 black person on the moon? a problem
what do you call 2 black people on the moon? still a problem
what do you call all the black people on the moon? problem solved
what do an aboriginal and a slinky have in common?
both completely useless but hilarious when pushed down stairs
what are 3 things an aboriginal can’t get?
a black eye, a fat lip and a job
just to tell you all im not racist, because racism is a crime...
and crimes are for black people
why dont women need cars?
because they only need to get from the bedroom to the kitchen
why dont women need watches?
because the clocks above the stove
why are women’s feet smaller?
so they can stand closer to the stove
how many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
none women can’t change anything
what do you call a black man in a suit?
the defendent.
whats the usless part of skin round the vagina called,
the woman
what shouild a women wear out the most,
the carpet between the kitchen and laundry.
What’s the definition of cruelty?
Putting an Ethiopian in a round room and telling him dinner’s in the corner.
How do you say "Fuck You" in Los Angeles?
"Trust Me."
What’s strong enough for a man but made for a woman?
The back of my hand.
Why don’t Indonesians take showers?
They just wash up on their beaches.
What do you call a bommerang that doesn’t work?
A baby.
What do you get when you cross JFK, Ernest Hemingway, and Kurt Cobain?
A complete skull.
What’s better than Honor?
In her.
Why are there no Puerto Rican doctors?
You can’t write pre5criptions with spray paint.
What do you get when you mix LSD and Birth Control?
A trip without the kids!
Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 pounds.
What’s the job application for Hooters?
They just give you a bra and say, "Here. Fill this out."
What’s better than winning the special olympics?
Not being a retard.
Why aren’t there any Wal-Marts in Afghanistan?
Because there’s a Target on every corner.
What’s all white with one black ass-hole?
The A-Team (one of my favorites even though Mr. T rules!)
Why do red-necks like Ford?
They can’t spell Chevrolet.
What doesn’t belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
Blowjob. You can beat your meat, eggs, or wife, but you can’t beat a blowjob.
What do rocks and women have in common?
You skip the flat ones.
What would it take to reunite The Beatles?
Two more bullets.
What’s the opposite of Christopher Reeves?
Christopher Walkin.
Why doesn’t Kurt Cobain ever drive?
He’d rather just ride shotgun.
What does a girl’s asshole and a 9 volt battery have in common?
You know it’s wrong, but sooner or later you’re going to put your tongue on it.
What is the leading cause of pedophiles?
Sexy children.
What do Ethiopians do at night?
Starve.
And finally...
Why does Virginia Tech suck at Basketball?
They lost their best shooter.
what do you call a group of white people having sex?
a family reunion
What does one call a German virgin?
Goodentight
How do you get a dog to quit humping your leg?
Pick him up and suck his dick.
A guy was riding his camel in the desert and he had the urge to have sex but there was no woman around so he tried to have sex with the camel but the camel ran from him , he soon caught up to it and tried another several times but the camel kept on running away so he gave up. About 20 minutes later the man came across 3 beautifal woman standing next to a broken down car , one of the woman said if you fix our car we will do anything to repay you and seeing that he new quite a bit about cars he agreed to do it , when he finished the woman asked what they can do for him , he asked if they could hold his camel for him.
hat do you say to a girl with no arms and no legs?
- Nice tits!!
The Priest not knowing much about fishing has no idea what species he has caught. A local fisherman sees the event unfold and rows over to the priest.
"Jesus Christ! Thats a huge fucker!" says the fisherman.
The shocked Priest replies "How dare you use the lords name in vain and spout such prophanities!"
Thinking quickly the fisherman replies "Sorry father, didn’t mean any disrespect, but the species of fish you have just caught there is called a fucker."
The Priest is a little suprised by this but after many reasurances from the fisherman is convinced that the species is called a fucker. Apon arriving back at the church the Preist rather proudly takes the fish to show to the Archbishop and to get him to gut and skin the fish.
"Have a look at the fucker i have caught Archbishop. Can you skin and gut this fucker for me?"
Agast the Archbishop responds "Never have i heard such language from a member of the clergy!"
After many reassurances the Priest convinces the Archbishop that the species is infact called a fucker and the Archbishop skins and guts the fish.
The archbishop then gets an idea. "We should take this fucker to the Mother Superior so she can cook this fucker."
So the Priest and the Archbishop take the fish to the Mother Superior.
"Mother Superior," says the Priest "I have caught this fucker. and the Archbishop has skinned and gutted this fucker, can you please cook this fucker?"
Again agast the Mother Superior responds "Oh my Lord! Never have I thought that i would see the day when i would here such language come from the mouths of members of this church!"
Again after many reassurances the Priest and the Archbishop convince the Mother Superior that fucker is the name of the species.
The Mother Superior having calmed down then remembers that the Pope is coming to the church for dinner that night.
"Since you have caught this fucker, and you," turning towards the Archbishop "have skinned and gutted this fucker, i shall cook this fucker for the holyiness the Pope for dinner tonight."
And so the Mother Superior cooks the fish and later that night serves the fish to the Pope. After the meal the Pope is utterly impressed by the fish and asks where it came from.
"Well," says the Priest "I caught the fucker".
The Archbishop then chimes in "And I skinned and gutted the fucker".
Finally the Mother Superior say "And i cooked the fucker".
The Pope looks long and hard at the three. After a time he pulls out a pipe, lights it up, leans back in his chair and puts his feet up on the table looking utterly relaxed.
"You know," says the Pope "You cunts are alright".
Q: What does god say every time a black person is born
A: Fuck i burnt another
There is an apartment with three families living in it.The black family lives at the top,the white family lives in the middle and the Mexican family lives at the bottom.One day the apartment was hit by a tornado,which family survived?
The white family because they were all at work.
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
She couldn’t say anything...she was choking.
Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says, "Doc, I’m getting married this weekend and my fiancée thinks I’m a virgin. Is there anything you can do to help me?" The doctor says, "Medically, no, but here’s something you can try. On the wedding night, when you’re getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh. When your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it’s your virginity snapping." The woman loves this idea and knows her hubby to be will fall for this. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man. Things begin to progress, her hubby "slips it in" and she snaps the elastic band. The hubby asks, "What the heck was that? The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping." The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it’s got my balls!"
white man is standing in the delivery room waiting on his wife giving birth.
The midwife walks in carrying a black baby and asks,’ Is this yours? ’
’ Probably, ’ says the man, ’ she fucking burns everything. ’
A man sees a fine looking woman at a bar. He steps over to her an says, "Hey baby, let me suck on your nipples."
She says, "Watch it buddy, I’ll have my boyfriend kick your ass."
He laughs and says, "Alright, why don’t I just give you a big sloppy kiss then."
She says, "Listen, if you say one more thing to me, I will have my man kill you."
"This is my final offer", he says, "I’ll hold you upside-down, pour beer into your pussy, and drink from your cunt."
She gets up, walks over to her boyfriend, tells him this guy said he was going to lick her tits.
He yells, "I’ll kill him!"
She then tells him he was going to kiss her. By now he’s pissed and starts walking in his direction.
She says, "Wait! He also said he would hang me by my ankles, pour beer down my twat, and drink from me!"
Her boy friend stops and say’s "Sorry babe, I can’t fuck with anyone who can drink that much beer."
A young lady went to the doctor for a physical. Afterwards, the doctor said, "You’re in perfect health, except for those abrasions on your knees." The woman said, "Oh, those are carpet burns from having sex doggie-style." The doctor said, "Don’t you know any other positions?" and she said, "Yes, but my dog doesn’t."
Q. Why dosent anyone ever one to play uno with mexicans?
A. They always steal all the green cards.
Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son. The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?" The doctor replies, "I’d wait until he’s at least 14."
Q: What did the deaf, dumb and blind kid get for Christmas?
A: Cancer.
Q: Do you know what a Jewish dilemma is?
A: Free ham.
Q: Why do women take longer than men to reach orgasm?
A: Who cares?
Q: How do you know when it’s time to wash dishes and clean the house?
A: Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it’s not time.
Q: What is the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
A: You can’t fit a sorority girl inside a bowling ball.
Q: Why are there so many homes for battered women?
A: Because they just don’t fucking listen!!
Q: What’s the difference between a paycheck and a penis?
A: You don’t have to beg your girlfriend to blow your paycheck.
Q: Why do Japanese Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
A: So you can tell them apart from feminists.
Q: Why do doctors spank babies when they are born?
Member Lvl: 64
Egg Points: 8853413
Posts: 9168 AIM
Posted: Aug 23, 2008 2:55 a.m. - Subject:
It wasn’t hard for him to post his text document of jokes along with taking the posts of every RE member that participated in a joke thread like this (including mine) and just throwing them together in one gigantic post.
Why isn’t staying in Iraq for at least 100 years a bad thought for McCain?
Because he’s already 732 years old.
What is Father’s Day like for kids in the "hood"?
Confusing.
A mother and a daughter are driving down the road when suddenly the car loses control and flips.
The girl is ejected. Her mother is as well, and hits a telephone pole, thus being brutally killed in the accident.
The girl frantically runs into a car coming down the road. The man motions for her to open the door and come inside.
She opens the door, gets in, and sobs, "Please sir, you must help me. My mother...is dead."
The man then proceeds to unzip his pants and says, "Sorry. Today just isn’t your lucky day."
What is a woman who is staring at a blank piece of paper doing?
Power Egg
Member Lvl: 10
Egg Points: 10436
Posts: 1204
Posted: Aug 23, 2008 4:39 a.m. - Subject:
i too am going to say a joke i posted before.
A mother has three kids. The first kid asks his mother "why is my name pillow?"
The mother responds "Because when you were born a pillow fell on your head."
The secound kid asks "mother why is my name... ARGGUFEZZS!! interrupts the third son.
"Shut up cinderblock" the mother responds.
Master Egg
Member Lvl: 36
Egg Points: 299967
Posts: 2678
Posted: Aug 23, 2008 6:40 a.m. - Subject:
A man is sitting at home watching t.v. on father’s day when his wife comes in.
She sits down next to him and sighs. "Why don’t we have any kids?"
"I told you," the man says, "I’m not ready."
She looks past him out of the window and sees a group of about twenty children out on the lawn. "Look honey. All of those kids are carrying presents and balloons. I wonder why they’re outside."
He says, "Shit," and runs to the window.
He turns to his wife and says, "The sperm bank was suppossed to keep donor’s information private."
It isn’t great but it was the funniest thing in my psychology textbook.
Member Lvl: 64
Egg Points: 8853413
Posts: 9168 AIM
Posted: Aug 23, 2008 11:28 a.m. - Subject:
Quote:
I’m quessing you saw that Jeffrey Ross special last night?
But of course. Well, part of it. You know how shitty late night television can get? At least I’ll be openly honest and say it wasn’t mine, but I did paraphrase it in a sense. Oh, and for future reference so Filthy will stop giving me shit for it most of my jokes come from the "Entensity" website.
Normal Egg
Member Lvl: 4
Egg Points: 1308
Posts: 70
Posted: Aug 23, 2008 9:34 p.m. - Subject:
stop yer goddamn bitchin, this thread is suppose to fuckin insult if your offended then pleae i urge you post whatever godddamn race, religion or moral opposition you have to a joke so everyone can make a few dozen jokes based soley on that topic that makes you wet your bed and cry like a bitch :)
what do you say to 2 niggers in a convience store?
take all the money just please dont shoot me
what do you call 3 niggers and a white dude
hostage situation
what do you call 10 wetbacks in a car
carpool
what do you call 10 niggers in a car
damn fine police work
what do you call 10 crackers in a car
clown convention
what does a cancer pacient, a whore and mccain have in common?
Master Egg
Member Lvl: 49
Egg Points: 2360083
Posts: 9588
Posted: Aug 23, 2008 9:39 p.m. - Subject:
Quote:
stop yer goddamn bitchin, this thread is suppose to fuckin insult if your offended then pleae i urge you post whatever godddamn race, religion or moral opposition you have to a joke so everyone can make a few dozen jokes based soley on that topic that makes you wet your bed and cry like a bitch :)
