FUCK YOU IM THOR
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Master Egg
Member Lvl: 30
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| Posted: May 06, 2009 5:48 p.m. - Subject: FUCK YOU IM THOR |
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Dear RE, I am a horrible fucking person. Today was my little sisters birthday, it is also my last day as a free man. The cops are on their way right now. As my last act before being put on death row I wish to relinquish this story onto RE, so I can die knowing at least I gave you sick fucks some lulz. So lets start from the beginning shall we?
It was a fairly normal morning. It was 1:30 when I got out of bed. I walked into the bathroom to take my meds. I’m prone to bouts of rage and sexual frustration. As I tilted my head back to down the capsules I swallowed wrong and vomited into the sink. I cursed the pills then went out to the living room. I was surprised to see balloons and party favors all over. It then occurred to me that it was my 11 year old sister Jessica’s birthday. My little sisters probably having a surprise party with all her loli and shota friends after school. I’m 26 and unemployed so I’m usually home all the time. I sat down with a bowl of Fritos and watched some shit on Fuse for a while.
It was around 2:30 when my mother got home. "Geoff, come help me with these bags!" she yelled. I obliged since she’d just bitch me out if I didn’t. After everything was inside she dropped the disappointment bomb. "Geoff, I want you to set up this stuff. You’ll be running Jess’s birthday today." "But mom!" I whined. "No buts," she said "I’m going to go take a nap." She was pretty lazy, even for a pregnant woman. I got in the van and drove up to the school. Jessica was standing outside with a group of 5 of her friends. All the little shits climbed into the van. They were all giggling and making immature noises. "Hey aren’t you Jess’s gay brother?" one laughed. All the kids giggled. "Haha, yeah fuck you kid" I snapped. "GEOFF!" Jessica shouted. I just rolled my eyes and continued driving. One girl began singing some shitty pop song. It began to make me unbearably angry. I swerved the van violently. The kids started screaming. One boy jolted forward and slammed his head into the seat. "KYLE HIT HIS HEAD!" one girl cried out "GEOFF, YOU’RE GOING TO KILL US YOU JERK!" Jessica screamed. I don’t know what came over me.
As we got home the kids began crowding around the little plastic party furniture begging for food. "Alright, hold the hell on you brats!" I said angrily. I went and got the cake and set it out on the table. Grabbing my Zippo lighter from my pocket, I lit the candles. I stood back and watched as the brats began shouting for her to make a wish. As she leaned to blow them out, I spotted her pink panties coming out of her jeans. She was tempting me, that little bitch, I know she was. "BLOW IT OUT! BLOW IT OUT!" the shrill monotonous tone rang in my head. I couldn’t take it anymore RE! I ran for my room. As I came back out I had donned my viking helmet and held my battle ax mightily above my head. I was naked. The sight of my hairy genitalia swinging back and forth struck fear into the children. "FOR THOR!!!!!!!!!!!!" I screamed to the heavens as I charged for the table. I threw my battle ax, chopping a loli in half. Her torso frailed into the air as my battle ax wedged into a wooden bookshelf. I jumped onto one of the plastic chairs, it broke under my weight. I plunged my fist into the cake and smeared it all over my cock. The soft frosting and crumbly texture made me hard. I took a candle and rammed it down my urethra. The kids were frozen with shock. I lit the candle and pushed as hard as I could. The candle rocketed out of my cock and hit a girl in the eye. The force caused me to shit. The girl screamed wildly as her eye was burned out. Her eye socket looked like the perfect hole for my dick. I jammed my cock into her eyesocket and fucked it. She cried as her head jolted back and forth. The violent jolting snapped her neck killing her instantly. I came.
The Kyle boy started to get up to run away so I grabbed a chair and cracked him in the skull. His face landed flat in my shit and he suffocated. "THE CAKE IS A LIE!" I said flapping my cock about, shaking cum in several directions. A fat little girl was waddling over to the phone to call the police. "ITS PINATA TIME!" I yelled. I grabbed the cake knife, and with my viking prowess, backstabbed the fatty. I slid the knife upwards making a slit in her back. Her fat made it like cutting through cream cheese. I reached in and grasped her spine. With all my strength I tore out her spinal cord. I wanked some little nerdy girl over the head with it. I then set it on the floor and slowly inserted it into my rectum. The ribbed feeling gave me immense pleasure. "MAY THE THUNDER GODS BLESS ME!" I exclaimed grabbing my battle ax out of the woodwork. I cut little Suzie’s legs off. This made her more fuckable. Jessica vomited and passed out. I scraped up her vomit and stripped little Suzy. She was too preoccupied to resist. I smeared the barf all over her vagina. I then licked it off. The taste was god-awful. It made me throw up onto her face. She choked to death on my sick.
The commotion made my mother come out. "SWEET TOASTER FUCKING JESUS!" she screamed. I ran up and FALCOOOOOOOOON PAUUUUUUNCHED her in the vagina. My arm slid all the way up to her womb. I tore the fetus out. As I pulled out a bunch of slimy goo watered out. "Hey mom want this fetus?" I asked. She was too busy violently throwing up to answer me. I raised my arm and crushed the baby in my hand. My mother was heaving blood at this point. I took the crushed fetus into the kitchen and slam-dunked it into the blender. "And now its time for cooking with Geoff!" I said like a t.v. chef. Adding an eyeball, the fat loli’s liver, and Kyle’s scrotum into the blender, I turned it on high. I took a sip of my smoothie. It was the most delicious culinary masterpiece in the world. I took the rest and sliding the spine out from asshole, I gave myself an enema.
My sister began waking up from her concussion. As her eyes opened she awoke to the sight of my hairy asshole pointing in her face. She opened her mouth to scream, now was my time. I launched the smoothie out of my asshole along with watery, bloody shit. Her scream was muffled into a gargle. My sloppy enema shot down her throat. Her eyes were tearing up. The smell was so intense it gave her a bloody nose. I turned around and pointed my hard cock in her face. I positioned it towards her nose. With immense power I fucked her nose at full force! The blood was an awesome lubricant. The pleasure became more intense. I came buckets right up her nose. My cum went straight into her lungs, tarring them up. As she began gasping for air I looked around the bloody smeared, shit stained room. "HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESSICA!" I said smiling at her tear and enema covered face. She took one last gasp. I gazed happily upon her corpse. The only I regret is that I didn’t take my pills today...
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'snot a democracy'
Forum Admin
Member Lvl: 999
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| Posted: May 06, 2009 5:56 p.m. - Subject: |
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Ever think of writing a column? Like one of those sex/love help columns you see in the local news?
I\\’m sure you could give dandy advice with your experiences.
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Master Egg
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AIM YIM
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| Posted: May 06, 2009 6:11 p.m. - Subject: |
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Well........That was quite the story.
I suggest taking the right type of meds from now on.
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Normal Egg
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| Posted: May 06, 2009 6:13 p.m. - Subject: |
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Read pasta has been read
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Master Egg
Member Lvl: 37
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| Posted: May 06, 2009 6:17 p.m. - Subject: |
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I was really hoping for a good story to keep me from falling asleep in accounting.
=(
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Power Egg
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| Posted: May 06, 2009 6:26 p.m. - Subject: |
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That gave me a good laugh
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Master Egg
Member Lvl: 43
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| Posted: May 06, 2009 6:36 p.m. - Subject: |
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I swear I’ve read this somewhere before? Have you posted this before?
...I know someone has somewhere in the Internet. I remember this as clear as day.
........
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'snot a democracy'
Forum Admin
Member Lvl: 999
Egg Points: 3759145
Posts: 885
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| Posted: May 06, 2009 6:42 p.m. - Subject: |
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It’s a well known urban legend.
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Master Egg
Member Lvl: 43
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| Posted: May 06, 2009 6:46 p.m. - Subject: |
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Yeah thanks Righty. I knew I’ve seen it somewhere before!
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Power Egg
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YIM
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| Posted: May 06, 2009 7:15 p.m. - Subject: |
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I thought you were serious until you put the cake on your cock.
I lol’d. 5*.
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'of the Universe'
Egg Moderator
Member Lvl: 86
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| Posted: May 06, 2009 8:50 p.m. - Subject: |
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Battered Women...
mmmmmmmm.....
Sounds delicious!
XD
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Power Egg
Member Lvl: 10
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| Posted: May 06, 2009 9:26 p.m. - Subject: |
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I can honestly say that I did not see that coming.
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Egg Moderator
Member Lvl: 56
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| Posted: May 07, 2009 5:57 a.m. - Subject: |
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C/P, but demented nonetheless.
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Master Egg
Member Lvl: 36
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| Posted: May 07, 2009 1:46 p.m. - Subject: |
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Power Egg
Member Lvl: 29
Egg Points: 497156
Posts: 1186
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| Posted: May 07, 2009 3:20 p.m. - Subject: |
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^haha
that was funny
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Master Egg
Member Lvl: 54
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| Posted: May 07, 2009 4:35 p.m. - Subject: |
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Quote: I swear I’ve read this somewhere before? Have you posted this before?
Its been on /b/ a bunch of times.
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Normal Egg
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AIM YIM
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| Posted: May 08, 2009 12:48 p.m. - Subject: |
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hahaha the anteater thing made me lol
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Normal Egg
Member Lvl: 9
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YIM
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| Posted: May 08, 2009 1:10 p.m. - Subject: ... |
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Lol, this story makes me so horny.
Unce unce unce unce unce unce unce.
Yeah baby...
You know I love 11 year old girls...
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