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I want to live my life instead of trying to escape it
Power Egg
Member Lvl: 10
Egg Points: 17895
Posts: 587
Posted: Jan 14, 2008 9:20 a.m. - Subject: I want to live my life instead of trying to escape it
Jan 13, 2008 7:51 pm - I want to live my life instead of trying to escape it
-Lately i’ve just been getting sick of what my life’s become. Just an escape to another escape. I’m afraid of tommorrow so i get myself entwined in the folly pursuits of pleasure of today.
I can’t really say that i have any real close friends. I mean i hang out with a great variety of people, but i don’t really like any of them...
I’ll get sick or get in a fight w/ one set and then move on to another. Sometimes i just wish i stayed running track and playing saturday night manhunt and then a movie w/ my straigt-edge friends @ the beggining of freshman year. I miss all of them, i really do, but now, its all too long ago to go back 2 chillen w/ them. I got in w/ the wrong crowd and stopped goig 2 my track meets. Then i finally dropped them (even tho some of them got really close w/ me) for my old girlfriend. Being w/ her, even tho now i have no desire to even see or talk 2 her again, @ the time gave me the most meaning to my life that i’d ever felt. I thot i was in love, but now i know its just lust. When i broke up w/ her in the november of sophmore year (the summer i spent w/ her was the best summer i’d ever had) i didn’t really know where to turn. I went to hanging out w/ the niehborhood kids again. None of them do drugs or any of that shit, when it all comes down to it they’re good kids even tho they’re a little dumb and simple minded. We’d just meet up on the weekends and play football an shit, and we had fun, it would take my mind off stuff.
Then winter came... I got involved w/ another messed up girl wich did me no good, just ended up gettin me hurt again and wasting so much of my time. That winter i felt the lowest i’d ever felt. My only escape was Creative Writing class, i wrote several good stories that wound up getting appluase from the class. In that class i met a really good straightedge kid named john. His gf had recently left him, under what circumstances i still am not really sure of, but i hung out w/ him and cheered him up.
Then his GF finally came back to him, and surpisingly she liked me as well, so the three of us began to drive around and hang out together as spring finally came. (i mean she liked me as a friend).
But we all had a pretty good time chillin together. I really looked up to John and enjoyed being w/ his friends who i actually respected and who were interesting.
I remember one night i was sitting in the backseat of thier car and ended up crying because i had recently stopped another stint w/ my original ex. John actually gave me a hug and we ended up going to BK to cheer me up. That summer we had a good time taking out my kayak and going swimming and whatnot. It really was a goodtime. But then i realized that i was just trying to live his life not my own. I’d never be as good as he was. I wasn’t green w/ envy or anything, but it got me down. So i ended up going to hangout w/ my pothead friends and spent pretty much a whole fuckin week stoned.
After that i went to driver’s ed, and i really respected the teacher i had, he was a really amazing teacher, an odd thing considering he was just a driver’s ed teacher. But i really respected him, i ended up givin him a handshake. I also met some cool ppl in driver’s ED, and especially this girl called megan who was really interested in me.
But then everything went wrong. I felt like i was loosing my mind. I was trying to be completely perfect. And of course i wasn’t perfect. I ended up telling megan "I know you like me and all, but i can’t be with you. I’m nt who you think i am. I’d just wind up hurting you..." She replied "No1 is perfect.. and then she tried to hold me. Then i just left. For about 3 days after that i kept completely to myself, i’d wander arund outside in the middle of know-where. And i’d cry. I thot i was incapable of loving anyone. I wanted to just feel something. So i just started getting into fights. I wouldn’t care if i won or lost, i just wanted to get fucked up. {When you let go of everything you are free to do anything]. That kept blazing through my mind.
But then this reckless behavoir just kept getting worse. I’d go nuts when i was alone. I’d babble, plead, cry, beg forgivness for bad things i’d done in the past that i really couldn’t ever forgive myself for.
And finally i just broke down. It was like my brain stopped working. I wound up in the hospital. I don’t really remember how long i spent in there. I couldn’t talk, i’d studder like crazy. I couldn’t eat. I wound up in there because i beat the shit out of one of my friends, a townie.
I’ve never felt more scared in my life. Being locked up w/ all these physcos and wierdos. God i hated them so much. It wasn’ like one flew over the cookoo’s nest or any of that shit. It was hell. When i finally got out, i was put on Ativan, Seroquel and Depakote. I was forced to take them, but i still was extreamly angry @ something i didn’t know.
That anger did do good things. I’d manaicly do pushups and sit ups and lift wieghts, like i had learned to do when i was locked up. It was the only way to stay sane in there.
I spent the days after i got out on vacation w/ my family etc. The meds finally caught up w/ me, and by the time i was in junior year i wasn’t feeling crazy. Things became reasonably normal. I didn’t take too many hard classes, took it easy. And so far i’ve been doing ok grade wise. But these pills, it can be a good thing or a bad thing depending on how you look @ it.. They make me feel kind of numb. Like emotionless. I can’t cry or anything. I can’t be fueled by rage. I stopped lifting wiegts and such.
Lately i’ve just been drivin around on the weekends w/ a mismatch group of aquantences. I get high or get drunk and stuff. Not like out of controll or anything. Just like, you know, fucking around. I mean i still read allot, love movies, long walks w/ my dog. But these distractions seem meaningless. And i mean the meds are good, they keep things under controll, keep me chill.
I just want this winter to be over soon. What i really want to do is go on long bike rides w/ a tent, or kayak the entire lengths of the local rivers. I want to get in shape again, no more of this poisoning my body.
But when i look back on everything, when i look back on my life so far, the time when i was most happy, the most content, was the summer of 8th grade.
It was then that i’d spend the whole day out mountain biking the powerline and ATV trails around my area, just me out in the wilderness. I didn’t need any1 else. And in life, when it all comes down to it, we’re all alone. But i managed to be happy with that. I want to achieve that contentness again.
And i’m taking steps to do that again. Its nice to have the company of my dog w/ me, but thats all i need. Allot of the storie’s i’ve written on rotteneggs come from the summer of 8th grade.
But anyway, i’m saving up for a 1-person river kayak or a small trailer for the 2-person ocean kayak we already own. I’m buying a tent and i’ve been stockpiling camping supplies and have been saving up for a cheap 1=person tent as well. I want to go on my own adventure. This summer. This summer will be just like that one back in 8th grade. And maybe then i’ll finally be happy.
Normal Egg
Member Lvl: 7
Egg Points: 30
Posts: 1436
Posted: Jan 14, 2008 1:44 p.m. - Subject:
I know exactly what you feel man, seeing as im very similar. the only difference is you got gfs. I wish i could get my life back on track like you did. Our only difference is that youve had friends and people to chill wit, iv been alone for the 14 years iv been alive.
Normal Egg
Member Lvl: 7
Egg Points: 30
Posts: 1436
Posted: Jan 14, 2008 4:21 p.m. - Subject:
Quote:
You complete you, and its a good thing you learned that early on.
Some people never get that.
Im not one of those people...
My last gf made me feel even worse then i did before...I complete myself just by going out and being who i am, instead of living my whole life as a lie to get others to like me. If they dont like who you are then fuck them, they mean nothing if you have to be at their standards to be liked by set person(s)
Just be you, dont change for anyone (unless its a serious problem, like cutting yourself intentionally)
Posted: Jan 14, 2008 4:53 p.m. - Subject:
You know, there is this little thing we who utilize the English language call PARAGRAPHS (sound it out pumpkin, I know its a big word).
It consists of separating a group of similar thoughts by either pressing enter twice, or pressing enter twice accompanied with a tab.
Paragraphs are very useful, because no one wants to read someones "I’m going to bitch because my life sucks. My parents don’t buy me everything I want" story, and they ESPECIALLY don’t want to read it if you don’t use paragraphs.
Power Egg
Member Lvl: 10
Egg Points: 17895
Posts: 587
Posted: Jan 14, 2008 5:54 p.m. - Subject:
Asshole, i put paragraphy in there, its just when i posted it all the indentations were gone. I’m not bitching, i’m glad things got ok again 4 me. I’m just writing about this oddesy i’ve been on called life.
Power Egg
Member Lvl: 17
Egg Points: 91191
Posts: 2300
Posted: Jan 14, 2008 6:45 p.m. - Subject:
Quote:
Im not one of those people...
My last gf made me feel even worse then i did before...I complete myself just by going out and being who i am, instead of living my whole life as a lie to get others to like me
Was i talking to you when i said this? no.
and its not about whether people like you or not. Its about you feeling like your ok with being by yourself.
